Transcript:Bender's Game Part 4

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Transcript for
Bender's Game Part 4
Written byDavid X. Cohen & Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed byMini-Me

[Start of opening credits. Caption: Collect all fifty billion!]
[Scene: Mom's dark matter mine]

Mom: Previously, on Futurama. [she slaps the camera]

[Scene: Bender's apartment. Bender is washing a pot and Fry is next to him.]

Fry: Bender, I think you might be [visuals cut to Bender running around with a sword, wearing a pot on his head] playing too much Dungeons & Dragons.

[Scene: Fry and Bender in the Conference Room.]

Bender: I am Titanius Anglesmith, fancy man of Cornwood.

[Fry backs out of the room.]
[Scene: Younger Mom in her office]

Younger Mom: A new super fuel, eh?

[Scene: Mom's dark matter mine]

Mom: If the crystals get within six inches of each other... [She slaps Larry.] Wham! All my dark matter will be worthless.

[She sits down in her chair and a slipper floats down and lands on her head. Cut to Farnsworth looking at his crystal and laughing. Cut to a few minutes later]

Mom: Give me the anti-backwards crystal.

Farnsworth: Never! [He eats the crystal and begins to chuckle. The crystal glows in his stomach, along with the keys to the ship. The ground cracks open and everybody falls into the hole with the ice.]
[Scene: Cornwood]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Welcome to Cornwood!

[Fry rides Leegola out of the castle and is holding a lance.]

Frydo: What's happening? And why am I enjoying it so much?

[Zoidberg crawls over the wall to reveal he's a large, centepede-esque creature. Cut to Leela covered in green blood, hitting him with a sword]

Leegola: I'm not taking any chances with the Tunneling Horror.

Zoidberg: I'm not the Tunneling Horror.
[The cave starts rumbling. A large, killer worm creature comes out of the ground and roars at Leegola and Frydo, who are standing on Zoidberg.]
[End of opening credits. Billboard lists creators and is crashed into]

[Scene: In the cave, the Tunneling Horror is growling at the group, who scream back at it.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: The Tunneling Horror! [He turns to the side and vomits nuts and bolts.]
[The Tunneling Horror lunges at Frydo and Leegola, but misses and grabs Titanius Anglesmith with its tail pincers.]
<poem>Frydo: Why aren't you killing it, Leela? You love killing.

Leegola: No, no more killing.

Zoidberg: Oh! So, suddenly, Miss Goody Four-shoes over here doesn't kill anymore. She killed me not five minutes ago. What am I? Chopped liver?

Leegola: Shut up. [She slashes into his chest.]
<poem>Zoidberg: Ow! Stop chopping my liver.

Leegola: You're on your own. (Sobbing:) I refuse to hurt another living thing. [She throws her sword behind her and it decapitates Zoidberg. She then gallops out of the cave. Frydo turns to look at Titanius Anglesmith getting thrashed around against the walls.]
<poem>Frydo: All right. I may be weak and I may be small, but I don't see how I can possibly destroy that monster. Guess I'll just huck whatever's in my pockets at him. At least I can say I tried.

Titanius Anglesmith: Any time now.

[Frydo throws a box of Tic-Tacs, a peanut and then the Die of Power.]

Frydo: The Die of Power. I forgot to remember to roll it.

[Everybody turns to the die and gasps. Gynecaladriel and Greyfarn stop kissing and Gynecaladriel places Greyfarn's dentures back in his mouth. The die lands on three: grow.]

Die of Power: Three.

Frydo: "Grow?" I don't see anything growing. Everything is getting smaller. [Frydo rips through his clothes and shoes as he grows in size then hits his head on the ceiling of the cave.] Ow. Wait a second. I'm big! In your face, everyone from middle school especially Jeremy. [He grabs the Tunneling Horror and begins punching it in the back, eventually punching a hole right through it. When he pulls his fist out air escapes from the creature and it shrinks down to the size of a normal bug and scampers to a hold in the wall. Frydo then shrinks back to normal size while laughing, his pitch matches his size.] Wow, that was intense. You guys got to try the Die of Power.

Titanius Anglesmith: I'll take a hit.

Frydo: Hands off the dodecalicious. [He snarls at Titanius Anglesmith and protects the die.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Beware, Frydo. Don't be seduced. Hang on a second. [He kisses Gynecaladriel.] Resist the allure of the die. For to defeat Momon, we must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.

[Momon is watching from the die:]

Greyfarn: We must melt it in the super bombastic, bubbling plastic from whence it came.

[Momon is speaking to her sons.]

Momon: I send you to kill them and they're not even maimed? That's what I get for sending boys to do a mom's job.

Larius: Sorry, Mom.

Momon: Sorry doesn't put heads on my table. Peaches. [An ogre comes out of a tunnel.] You're up.

[Peaches grabs a flail that has a hand instead of a spiked ball. He whirls is around in front of the sons.]

Ignus: I like this part but I don't like...

[They are slapped three times by the hand.]
[Scene: Hermaphrodite and another centaur are walking in a circle in the middle of a stadium.]

Centaur Opponent: You are an able opponent, Hermaphrodite. But hear me well when I posit that we must abhor violence in all its forms.

[The crowd cheers.]

Hermaphrodite: I offer a dissenting opinion.

ALL: [A gasp-like "huh?"]
<poem>Hermaphrodite: For abhorring violence is itself an act of violence and, therefore, to be abhorred. [The crowd cheers.] All bow before mighty Hermaphrodite. [Leegola walks up to him and he is scared.] Ah! Don't hurt me.

Leegola: I'm not here to hurt you. Or anything ever again. Please, teach me the centaurs' ways of wimpiness.

Hermaphrodite: What do you offer in return?

[Leegola holds up a carrot, which Hermaphrodite eats. Cut to the two galloping along a path, a rainbow is in the background. They run past creatures which resemble Teletubbies. Cut to the two shooting flaming arrows toward each other. The arrows collide and form a firework in the shape of a peace sign. Cut to the two and another centaur playing tic-tac-toe with beanbags. Hermaphrodite misses winning the game, Leegola walks up with a beanbag in her mouth and drops it on the winning tile. They all laugh.]
[Scene: Titanius Anglesmith, Frydo, Greyfarn and Gynecaladriel exit the Cave of Hopelessness.]

Titanius Anglesmith: Yes! We made it out of that godforsaken cave. Now, what's the fastest way home? Back through the cave? [Greyfarn hits him in the head with his staff.] Ow! [His eye shield falls from its mounted position.] Ow!

[Exterior shot of the Geysers of Gygax.]

Greyfarn: We're close now, my friends. So close, I can practically feel the heat of the fiery molten plastic.

Gynecaladriel: You're standing in the fire.

Greyfarn: Oh, my. [He yelps and walks out of the fire.] Alas, our path is blocked by Momon's army of evil. As well as her navy of moral dubiousness.

Titanius Anglesmith: Mayhaps we might raise an army of our own. We're but an hour's ride from Wipe Castle.

Greyfarn: Of course. Wipe Castle. And while we're there, we can get some of those greasy little dwarf burgers.

Gynecaladriel: Ooh! I love those. You can eat like eight of them without gaining any weight because of all the diarrhea.

Greyfarn: Sleep deep, fair snoozles. At dawn, we ride for Wipe Castle. [Frydo howls in front of the moon.] Quiet, Frydo. [He howls again, but softer.]
[Momon is watching from the die.]
<poem>Momon: We've got them now. Send all our forces against Wipe Castle.

Waltazar: Right away, Mother. I'll just leave a small contingent behind in case...

Momon: I said, everything. Peaches!

Peaches (offscreen): I'm in the tub.

Momon: Waltazar, you and Larius shall lead the assault.

Waltazar: What about Ignus?

Momon: I'm afraid he can't be trusted on this mission. You see, there is a terrible secret about Ignus I've never told anyone. And here it is.

[Her words cannot be heard as we see Ignus listening from the doorway while sweeping. The two sons in the room are shocked at what Momon says and Ignus gasps.]

Momon: It's a good day to be evil. [She begins laughing, followed by Waltazar and Larius. Peaches joins in too.] Oh, put a towel on, for crap's sake. [She slaps him.]

[Scene: Frydo ventures away from the camp to some rocks by the water.]

<poem>Frydo: They all wants it. They wants the dodecalicious.

[Frydo's reflection in the water begins speaking to him.]

Reflection Host: Tell you what, you want to defend a magic artifact, and I mean, defend it good, then what you need is a top-quality knife.

Frydo: Me is listening.

[The reflection has a Infomercial graphic on it.]

Reflection Host: The Eviscerator is one of the finest, if not the finest, tactical folder on the market today. We're talking 440 stainless, quick release and... I don't believe this. Is this a stag horn handle at this price?

Reflection Host 2: It is, yeah. It's a stag horn.

Reflection Host: At this price? You have got to be kidding me. That's got to be some kind of mistake, right there.

Reflection Host 2: Now, you folks at home, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, that can't be stag horn. It's got to be the cheaper manticore horn. But, I've got the specs right here and I'll tell you what, this is the real deal.

Reflection Host: Unbelievable.

Reflection Host 2: It is unbelievable. That's exactly what it is. I mean, this is... I have no words to describe this deal. Honestly, have you ever seen stag horn at this price?

[Cut to Frydo, he shakes his head.]

Reflection Host: No, no, I don't believe I ever have.

Reflection Host 2: 1101-1816 is the item number on this one.

Reflection Host: You know what, we're gonna have to put a clock on this deal, folks. Two minutes. Can I get a clock at two minutes up there?

Reflection Host 2: Two minutes at most. Honestly, I'd be surprised if they last that long.

Reflection Host: Oh, I'd be very surprised, shocked really. Now, I know the lines are busy, people, but keep dialing in if you want a truly exceptional knife to slice up your friends in their sleep.

[Cut to Frydo walking with the knife in his hand. He's flicking it open and closed repeatedly. He walks over to Titanius Anglesmith's sleeping bag and begins stabbing it. Titanius Anglesmith is in Gynecaladriel's sleeping bag, however. They both wake up and gasp.]

Titanius Anglesmith: He tried to murder me. He tried... Woah, cool. Is that the stag horn?

[Frydo hisses at Titanius and throws the knife at him. The handle and blade break away from each other and Frydo runs away from the camp.]
[Scene: Titanius Anglesmith, Greyfarn and Gynecaladriel are venturing toward Wipe Castle.]

Greyfarn: Alas, Frydo's weakness was no match for the die's strength. We can only hope he forges on alone to the Geysers.

Titanius Anglesmith: I can hope my ass is made of ice-cream but that don't make me a hot fudge sundae.

Greyfarn: As for us, we must press on to Wipe Castle, though the journey be long and I fear I may not live to see it.

Gynecaladriel: There it is!

[Exterior shot of Wipe Castle. The draw bridge lowers.]
[Scene: Frydo is wandering through a swamp. A twig snaps behind him.]

Frydo: They's following us's.

Zoidberg Head: You know, you talk like that, it's gonna cost you points at a job interview.

Frydo: What does it wants?

Zoidberg Head: I thought I could help you destroy the die, maybe.

Frydo: (In his normal voice:) Yes, yes, please help me. The die is tearing me apart. (In his raspy voice:) No, it's not. We're having a nice time. (In his normal voice:) Shut up. (In his raspy voice:) You shut up. (In his normal voice:) S'all right? (In his raspy voice:) Who's a s'all right? (In his normal voice:) Help me!

[Cut back to Wipe Castle. URL and Smitty are gate guards with trumpets. They play a fanfare, then URL breaks off into a jazz riff. The three of them clap.]

URL: Now, before your audience with the king, there's a shocking fact you best know about him.

Titanius Anglesmith: Enough blabbety-blab! Open the doors.

Roberto: What, ho?

Titanius Anglesmith: We bring ill tidings, o fanciest of men. Momon's reach nears the die of power. And should she obtain it, she will then have the entire basic set. Rivers will run red with blood and yellow with urine. And a dog will be seen eating cat food in the land. Oh, great king, your army is the last hope of Cornwood. Let us join forces before the light of good is extinguished forever.

Roberto: You calling me crazy? Just 'cause I've got a hotel in my foot don't make me a boogalee-moogalee-moogalee.

Titanius Anglesmith: Pardon?

Roberto: Stop laughing at me, fried avocado.

[He yells while swinging his sword at the invisible fruit. Cut to Titanius closing the doors.]

Titanius Anglesmith: Moving along then. As the only nobleman present who's not... [He crosses his eyes and makes crazy noises.] ...I hereby place myself in command of the royal army.

URL: What royal army would that be?

Greyfarn: What?

Smitty: King went insane and declared war on the scallops. Tied his army to a boulder and pushed them into the sea. They never returned.

URL: Scallops must've got them. [Smitty nods.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Oh, well. There'll be no epic battle today.

[A horn sounds offscreen and they all gasp. They walk to the edge of the castle and look down. There is a massive army of ogres.]

Titanius Anglesmith: Methinks we be boned.

Larius: Where's their army?

Waltazar: Maybe they didn't hear the horn. Blow it again. [He blows his horn.]
<poem>URL: Man, I'll show that cat how to blow. [He starts up with his jazz number again, but is blows away by the air escaping a horn placed in front of him. Cut to the ogres rushing the castle. The pull the drawbridge down and cross it with a ram to knock the doors open.]
[Exterior shot of Wipe Castle. The ogres are climbing up ladders to get into the castle. One ogre reaches a window where Gynecaladriel is removing her clothes and begins drooling. His saliva burns through the wooden ladder and it splits in two. Cut to an ogre breaking trough the wall. Titanius is waiting on the other side with a mace and knocks him unconscious. Peaches then breaks through the wall behind Titanius and uses his glove flail to slap him.]
<poem>Titanius Anglesmith: Ow.

Roberto: [Running around through the ogres. He stops one of them.] What the... You're not made of Tuesday. [The ogre strikes Roberto over the head with his club.] My sanity. It's back. At last, I can live the life I always... [The ogre strikes him again.] AHH! Boogalee-moogalee-moogalee!

[Cut to giant kangaroos hopping toward the castle with more ogres in their pouches. The ogres are throwing spears at the castle while travelling. Cut to Greyfarn and Gynecaladriel fending off the spears, then a piano, then a small kangaroo. A unicorn has been thrown and gets lodged in the castle wall. Greyfarn taps his staff on the ground twice and it morphs into a large boomerang. He throws it off screen to the left, but it comes back in on the right and hits him in the back of the head. He picks up the boomerang and holds it close to the edge of the frame so half of it is in front of him and half appears behind him. He then moves it too far forward and hits himself in the back of the head with it. The giant kangaroos are now at the castle walls and are jumping into them feet first.]
[Cut to a centaur watching this. He draws and arrow and launches it to a far away camp. An arrow is then launched from that camp to another, then to another, then to another.]

Man: Ow! [Another arrow is then shot.]

[Scene: Many centaurs, including Leegola and Hermaphrodite, are dancing to folk music in a room. Scruff is sweeping up their droppings behind them while mumbling and plugging his nose. Suddenly, an arrow flashes across the screen and lodges in the wall. The music abruptly stops and everybody gasps. Pan over the wall where the arrows land reveals the arrow struck a target labelled "War," which has never been used.]

<poem>Leegola: What does it mean?

Female Centaur: Evil will soon triumph over good.

Hermaphrodite: Your friends face certain death. Followed by a disrespectful marionette show performed with their corpses.

Leegola: No! We've got to do something.

Hermaphrodite: Believe me, we will. We've taken out a sternly worded ad in tomorrow's Cornwood Times. [He holds up a news paper with the headline "There must be a better way" printed on it above a picture of an ogre being beheaded. Leegola kicks through the paper and everybody gasps.]
<poem>Leegola: What a load of man-horse manure.

Hermaphrodite: Well, Leegola, if you have a better idea, perhaps you'd like to challenge me to debate.

[An arrow flies across the room and lands on "Tedious Debate" which is frequently used.]
[Scene: Frydo and Zoidberg Head are venturing into the Geysers of Gygax.]

Frydo: I'm too exhausted. I can't go on.

Zoidberg Head: I'm here for you, my friend. Grab onto my testicles.

Frydo: You know, I think maybe I can walk after all.

'Momon: (From the die:) That's not Wipe Castle.

[Frydo grunts as he works his way to the top of a ledge over the lava. Momon hears him and screams as she spots him across the cave.]

Zoidberg Head: What are you waiting for, Frydo? Throw it already in the boiling plastic.

Frydo: I would. But... (In raspy voice:) Me's enjoys owning it.

Zoidberg Head: Stop talking like that. It gives me anxiety. [He launches himself at Frydo and bites his tushie.]
<poem>Frydo: Ow!

Momon: No!

[Momon gasps as the die flies out of Frydo's hand. Before it hits the ground she morphs into a dragon. The die hit Ignus on the head and lands on 12 - "Mirror Mania".]

Die of Power: Twelve.

[Frydo also morphs into a dragon.]

Frydo: So, it's all come down to this. A dungeon and dragons.

Zoidberg Head: I didn't see it coming.

[Momon takes flight and breathes fire at Frydo's feet. Frydo evades the fire and breathes back at Momon, but she dodges it.]
[Cut back to Wipe Castle. The trio+ are still battling the hordes of attacking ogres.]

Ogres: Eat the wizard, eat the slut. Eat the robot's shiny butt

Gynecaladriel: Well, at least we'll be remembered in song.

Titanius Anglesmith: Wait a second. I have an idea. I surrender. Here, eat my friends. Just give me one more second of sweet, sweet life. [As the ogres stop, thousands of arrows strike them and all the ogres fall. Titanius is still holding up his two companions. He clears his throat.] Well, that worked out pretty good, eh, fellows?

[Cut to Leegola commanding the centaurs from a distance.]

Leegola: Prepare to fire again, brave cowards.

Hermaphrodite: I still say, I won the debate. [Leegola strikes him in the stomach with a piece of wood.]
<poem>Leegola: Fire.

Ogre: Wuh-woah.

[The arrows take down all but one ogre.]

Remaining Ogre: Whew!

[Leegola dashing on screen and punches him, knocking him out. Gynecaladriel runs through the castle doors.]

Gynecaladriel: Leegola, you saved us. How can I ever repay you? [She kisses Leegola, but it quickly turns into passionate kisses. A large eruption of the geysers breaks the kiss and they all gasp.]
<poem>Greyfarn: Frydo is fighting for his life. Quickly, to the Geysers.

Titanius Anglesmith: [While watching Leegola and Gynecaladriel kiss.] Can it wait a couple of minutes?

Greyfarn: Yes. Yes, it can.

[Cut back to Momon and Frydo. Frydo kicks Momon offscreen and he begins walking over to the die, but Momon tackles him. They both get up and start fighting with their hands and tails. Momon whips Frydo against a pillar and she starts walking toward the die, but Frydo grabs her tail and swings her sideways along the ground.]

Frydo: You are no match for my dragon style. [Momon breathes fire and Frydo ducks, but the fire burns his wings off.] I guess you are a match for my dragon style.

Momon: Tell me, Frydo, are you aware that a dragon's one weakness is its soft underbelly?

Frydo: No. Why do you... [She leaps and bites his belly. Frydo screams in pain.]
<poem>Leegola: Get my friend out of your mouth.

Titanius Anglesmith: It is all over, Momon. We'll soon be down there defeating you. And it's all thanks to the existence of this fragile staircase. [He laughs victoriously, then Momon stomps on the ground, causing the staircases on either side of them to disintegrate.] Whoa!

[Ignus rises up on a spider behind the pillar.]

Ignus: Quick. Get on the magic bug.

Greyfarn: It's not a magic bug, you dope. It's a magic arachnid. Can't you count the legs?

Ignus: No.

Greyfarn: Six, seven, eight. Not six, eight. I'll kill you, you imbecile.

[Greyfarn's staff starts glowing like a lightsabre and Ignus pulls out a lightsabre looking device. Ignus hops off the magic spider and the two begin battling on the pillar.]
[Cut back to Momon and Frydo. Momon begins walking toward the die with Frydo still on the ground, but he sees this and stabs Momon in her belly with the tip of his tail.]

Momon: My underbelly. My one weakness.

[The two dragons fall beside each other and groan while morphing back into their human forms.]

Zoidberg Head: [He picks up the die.] I got it. Now I can throw it in the hot thing over there and be the hero. On the other hand, infinite power might be nice.

[Cut to the battle between Greyfarn and Ignus.]

Ignus: Please, I'm trying to help you.

Greyfarn: Then why are you hitting me with a stick? How stupid are you that you think that's helping?

Ignus: Mommy never told you about my father.

Greyfarn: She said he was a foul He-demon.

Ignus: Exactly. [He clicks off his lightsabre device.] You are my father.

Greyfarn: No. No, that's impossible.

Ignus: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Greyfarn: No! [He hits his head with his staff.] No! [He hits his head with the staff again.]
<poem>Ignus: Ya-huh! I heard Mommy say so.

[Greyfarn gasps as he hits his head one more time and falls off the large pillar.]

Zoidberg Head: [While jumping and spinning between Frydo and Momon.] I have all the dice. I am the dungeon master. I know all and see... [He is squished by the falling Greyfarn. The die rolls away from him and Momon quickly snatches it up.]
<poem>Momon: Game over. [She begins laughing and a purple blast expands from the Geysers of Gygax blowing the rocks around it apart. During her laugh, Momon starts coughing, but then continues laughing. The floor and pillars begin collapsing into the ground.]
<poem>Frydo: No! No!

[Everybody is screaming as they come flying out of the ground back into Mom's office.]

Mom: What happened?

[Everybody is confused.]

Leela: My God, we're out of that weird, crazy world and back in our regular crazy world.

Fry: Did we all just have some kind of freaky dream or was it ghosts?

Farnsworth: Neither, Fry. It was science. Bender's mighty imagination amplified by a dark matter resonance created an alternate reality that very nearly blew our minds.

Hermes: Exactly. You can't make that kind of stuff up.

Mom: Quit trying to explain everything. I defeated you in that world and I'll defeat you in this one. Boys, the crystal’s still in his stomach.

Walt: Commencing intestinal flash flood.

Farnsworth: Wait! Before my moment of shame, can I...

Mom: Yes, speak up.

[Farnsworth and Igner look at each other, teary eyed.]

Farnsworth: Can I give my boy a hug?

Mom: All right. Fine. I've never done it. I guess somebody should.

Inger: Daddy. [They hug.]
<poem>Farnsworth: Like father, like son, eh, boy?

[Pan down to reveal that the two crystals are near each other in their stomachs.]

Igner: We both eated the crysals. [They giggle together.]
<poem>Mom: No. No!

[The two crystals pulse repeatedly then explode. Farnsworth and Igner belch together. Mom picks up a ball of Dark Matter and it desitegrates in her hand.]

Mom: My dark matter. It's worthless.

Farnsworth: That's right, Mom. But fear not, fancy folk for I've just thunk up an alternative energy source. Nibbler-power.

Nibbler: Hurray. Wait. What?

[Cut to a chicken swinging back and forth, clucking. Pull back to show several Nibblonians pulling the Planet Express ship while trying to reach the chicken that is hanging in front of them.]

Farnsworth: Mush! Mush! [He whips the Nibblonians.]
<poem>Bender: Whip harder, Professor.

[They cheer.]

Farnsworth: Faster, [Whip] faster. [Whip] Slower. [Whip]

[Closing Credits.]

Garry Gygax: Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons for the next quadrillion years?