Transcript:Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 1

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Transcript for
Into the Wild Green Yonder Part 1
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed byMini-Me

[Pan over space, planets and meteors.]
[A green light claps in them middle of the screen and a pulsing, green ripple expands outward. Cut to a violet star.]
[One of the green waves passes over the system and the planets all glow a light green. Zoom into the largest celestial body in the system and into a bubbling pool of liquid in a crater where a strand of DNA is formed. The strand fades into a roller coaster track in Mars Vegas. Some of the Planet Express crew and other characters fly across the screen in a roller coaster car. A parody of the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign says "Welcome to Fabulous Mars Vegas."]
[The opening credits start, with a theme song that is almost exclusively tubular bells.]

Seth MacFarlane (singing): You and I will be reborn,
In a future place and time,
If everything our Hindu brethren say is true.
In an age of things that hover,
You and I will still be lovers,
And we'll say to ourselves
That was then and this is, too.
'Cause we'll still find the happening hot spots,
We'll still cruise the cool casinos.
You'll still fly me to the moon,
Although the moon to which you fly me,
Could be Phobos or Deimos.
The psychic worms from Rigel Nine,
Who control everything we do,
Will make us think that was then,
And 3010 is exactly the same as 1962.
Don't expect any changes, my friend,
That was then and this is, too.

[Scene: A hover grand stand is filled with a crowd of people who overlook Mars Vegas from far away.]

Bender: Wow, Mars Vegas. Long live the eternal city.

Mr. Wong: Two, one, zero!

[He pushes down a plunger and Mars Vegas is levelled by a large explosion.]

Bender: Rest in hell, Crapville!

[Scene: A large worm moves through the desert of Mars.]

Mrs. Wong: Out here in the desert, we’re gonna build bigger, better Vegas.

Mr. Wong: Bathtubs size of oceans, hookers size of bouncers.

Bender: [He blubbers.] Hamburger!

[The worm has stopped at a station.]

Worm Announcer: Stand clear of the closing jaws.

[Scene: The group stands in a construction site of a new hotel.]

Amy Wong: So what's gonna be over there, Dad?

Mr. Wong: That? That the oasis. [A bulldozer destroys a small area of trees and grass. A tree was missed, so a man sets it on fire with a flame thrower.] Future site of Oasis Hotel. [He laughs.] Take that, you stupid Mother Nature.

[A car door closes. Pan over to the Feministas standing behind the caution perimeter with protest signs.]

Frida Waterfall: Okay. Let's hit him hard.

Feministas: This land is your land. This land is my land

Fry: Who are you noisy women?

Frida: I'm Frida Waterfall, leader of the Greenorita Eco-Feminist Collective, and we will not let you man-doze this beautiful gyno-desert.

Mr. Wong: Well, I'm Leo Wong, and I say, "Boom!"

[He pushes down a plunger and the Feministas are send flying into the air from an explosion. Everybody else laughs as they fall back to the surface. Frida lands on Fry and it is revealed that her Femi-necklace has lodged in his brain. Everybody gasps.]

Frida: What happened to my femi-necklace? And where's my mega-fem?

[The megaphone hits her in the head and she is knocked out. Zoidberg rushes to Fry with a stethoscope.]

Professor Farnsworth: Is he badly hurt, Dr. Zoidberg?

Zoidberg: I don't quite know how to say this. (Sobbing:) Fry is dead!

[Everybody starts sobbing, but then Fry groans and wakes up.]

Zoidberg: Wait, not dead. The other thing.

Mr. Wong: Damn eco-broads! You can't even spray for eagles without upsetting these kooks. [He sprays a tree and two eagles fall out, then a cave man falls out.]

Leela: Now, hang on. Before you do construction, don't you have to make sure you're not harming any native species?

Mr. Wong: Already done! By top scientist.

[He interrupts Farnsworth counting a wad of cash.]

Farnsworth: Err, what? Oh, my, yes. You've got the go-ahead, Mr. Wong. This place is deader than last year's cat.

Leela: No, it's not! There's precious life right here in this scum puddle. [He holds up a desert muck leech.]

Farnsworth: Ah! The desert muck leech. Amazingly, the entire species lives in this one tiny stink hole. (To Mr. Wong:) Killing these will be so much easier than exterminating those ponies.

[He imitates a pony, then imitates a machine gun, then imitates a dying pony.]

Leela: Leeches may not be cuddly like pandas or tribbles, but these poor endangered creatures deserve... [She pets the leech, it makes a noise and then it bites and clamps onto her neck.] Get off me! [She throws it to the ground.]

Bender: I'll get it with my trusty foot cups: Stompy and Smashy.

[Bender tries repeatedly to squish the creature, but Leela bends over to stop him from trying.]

Leela: No, don't kill it! We have to...

[When she bends over, the leech bites onto her neck again. She runs off-screen screaming. Mr. Wong is seen pouring a bag of Poison Cement into the hole the leech came from. He then directs a large parking lot paving machine to roll over the area.]

Mr. Wong: There. They're not endangered anymore. They're extinct.

Leela: No, they're not. I saved this one. And I'm gonna raise it and care for it, so the world will forever know what it's lost. [The leech then bites her eye and she screams.] You freaking slime wad! [She pulls is off her eye and stomps on it, then stops.] No. I killed it. It was the last of its kind. [The creature comes back to life and bites onto her knee.] Let go of me, you... [She holds her leg up and fries the leech with a laser from her Wristlomojacker.] Poor thing.

[It flies back at her neck and clamps on again. She screams as the camera pans over the Mr. Wong and Fry. Mr. Wong kicks Fry's leg twice to wake him up.]

Mr. Wong: Tell you what, Fry. You all promise not to sue me, I give you token for free entry in poker tournament. [He slips a poker chip into Fry's pocket on his shirt while Fry is still somewhat unconscious.] He took it, you all saw it!

Bender: Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. [Leela runs across the screen behind them, battling the leech still.] What's in it for me, Bender?

Mr. Wong: Okay, okay. Come back when New Vegas opens, I give you all free rooms, free dinner and free tickets to Celine Dion.

Bender: Lose the Celine Dion tickets and you got yourself a deal.

Mr. Wong: All right, damn it, done!

[The crew cheers.]

Bender: All right, I scored.

[Scene: The Wong Hotel & Casino is completed. The crew is playing a row of slot machines.]

Zoidberg: Look out, Vegas, I've got a system. [He inserts a quarter and pulls the lever while laughing. The rolls of the machine land on "OUT OF ORDER," "OUT OF ORDER" and "NO REFUNDS."] Oh. I'm bankrupt.

Fry: [He chuckles.] You said it, Hermes. He is pathetic, but lovable.

Hermes: Yup. What? I said no such thing, man.

Fry: I am not acting weird, Leela. Why is everyone talking at once?

Leela: Fry, calm down and stop braining.

Amy: Yeah, Fry, maybe you need to-

Fry: You're right, Amy! Maybe I do need some fresh air.

Bender: Man, I'm worried about him. But not enough to stop gambling for even a single second.

[He uses his quarter on a string to scam the slot machine and pulls on the lever. He gets three Leo Wong heads.]

Three Leos on the Machine: You win, damn it!

[Scene: A street in Mars Vegas. Traffic has filled the streets. Cut to Fry's eyes as he walks down the sidewalk of pedestrians.]
[There is overlapping chatter.]

Fry: Voices always yelling. Who - who said that? I'm not insane. Stop it. Stop talking in me!

[Fry runs into a close alley.]

Hutch Waterfall: Voices bothering you, man? You need one of these doodangs. [He taps on his foil hat.]

Fry (Over the chatter): A foil hat? Of course, he likes pastrami. What about the dog's testicles? [Hutch puts his foil hat on Fry's head and the voices quiet.] Hey, it worked. The voices stopped.

Hutch: They've got a huge selection of carburetors... Hang on. Hang on. [He searches through a dumpster for a new hat and finds one with some pizza stuck to it.] That's better. My name's Hutch.

Fry: Hi, Hutch. So what's with the obnoxious, shrieking voices? Are my fillings picking up The View?

Hutch: No, man. Truth is, it's other people's thoughts. You're a mind reader.

Fry: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Although, actually, it was sort of obvious.

Hutch: You don't believe me? Take off the helmet.

Fry: I believe you.

Hutch: Seriously, do it. [Fry sighs and takes his hat off.] (Telepathically): Testing, testing. Do you read me?

Fry (Telepathically): Loud and clear.

Hutch: What?

Fry: I said, "Loud and clear." Only I said it with my thinker, not my talker.

Hutch: Whoa! Freaky. Why can't I read your thoughts?

Fry: I don't know. Wait. What's that about a secret society?

Hutch: Never mind that. Just keep the foil on and you'll be okay. Also, it'll keep the Dark Ones from incinerating your brain.

Fry: That's a plus.

Hutch: And don't ever, ever, ever tell anyone you can read minds, or the Dark Ones will get you like that. [He poorly snaps his fingers.] Hang on, pizza grease. Like that. [He snaps his fingers and Fry let's out a concerned wail.]

[Scene: Many robots are walking into a theatre that is presenting Gearotica. In the theatre, robot performers are lowered from the ceiling and dance with the music.]

Clamps: I'd like to get my clamps on those. Give her a jump, you know what I mean? [He laughs alone.]

Donbot: Whoa, whoa. Show some decorum there, Clamps. This ain't no strip show. This is a beguiling display of the pornographic arts.

Joey Mousepad: Yo, Skip, I can see a guy's butt.

Michael's Wife: Oh, Michael, this is the perfect end to a perfect honeymoon.

Michael: I love you so much.

[They move in to kiss, but Bender lands between them.]

Bender: Is this seat taken?

Michael: Actually, we...

Bender: Slide me those chicken wings. So what part of Podunk you rubes from?

Michael: The north-eastern.

[Bender belches fire after drinking a bottle of red wine.]
[Two robots on stage move their hips on a gear until they are close enough to exchange a compact disc from one slot to another. The crowd applauds.]

Announcer: Monsieurs et mademoiselles, our circus of the senses now arrives by steamboat in New Orleans, circa 2873. The muted lament of a trombone resonates through the fog, which lingers even now, months after the attack of the fog monster. With but one hope of restoring Gearoticus to his throne, our sensual fate rests in the gyrations of... Fanny.

[Fog covers the stage, but is blown away by the air movement from Fanny's fan, which is fixed to her rear end.]

Bender: Oh. [He stops eating and watches Fanny move her fan around on stage. He stammers and his eyes extend out of his head to zoom in. They extend out farther, then his antenna extends and the woman next to him gasps.]

[Scene: Bender is scatting as he walks toward Fanny's dressing room door with flowers hidden behind him. He knocks on the door and Fanny answers.]

Fanny: Yes?

Bender: I'm Bender. Let's do it. [He holds out the flowers.]

[The two stare at each other for a few seconds until the Donbot comes out of the dressing room with his gun cocked and pointed at Bender.]

Donbot: Who is it, the Feds?

Bender: [He gasps.] Aren't you the Donbot, head of the Robot Mafia?

Donbot: Allegedly. And this is my beloved wife, Fanny, whose honor I would proudly defend with a power drill. Well, I gotta go drown a stoolie.

[As soon as the bathroom door closes Bender and Fanny start kissing, Fanny's fan is spinning. Suddenly the Donbot opens the door and Bender and Fanny quickly separate]

Donbot: I'm gonna be in here a while, so do me a favor and drive my wife home. It's one of them self-driving cars, so just sit in the back and do whatever.

[They start kissing again. Fanny twangs Bender's antenna.]

Fanny: Oh, Bender, your lips are intoxicating. It's like kissing an ashtray full of hot wings.

[They resume kissing and fall to the floor.]

Bender (As if he were speaking through a fan): Aww yeahh!

[Scene: Fry is peacefully walking down a street. He stops and lift his hat off. The voices grow louder and louder until he puts his hat back on.]

Fry (Telepathically): My God, I really can read minds. I have a superpower! There must be something great I can do with this.

[He gasps. Cut to Fry standing in front of a Women's locker room door. He removes his hat and quickly walks in.]

Fry: Hello, ladies, I can read your thoughts. [Punches are heard and Fry is thrown out of the room.] Oh, wait, that's invisibility.

[Fry walks by a banner for Leo's Poker Tournament, back tracks to it and gasps.]

Fry (Telepathically): Poker. With my mind-reading abilities and my invisibility... Wait, no, just the mind reading. I can't lose!

Fry: Sign me up for the tournament, please.

Administrator: Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop. Entry fee's 50,000 smackers.

Fry: 50,000? Drat, all I have is my life savings and a token for free admission to this poker tournament.

Administrator: Close enough. [He puts the wad of cash in his breast pocket.]

[Scene: "ELZAR'S AT THE WONG" - The crew plus Fanny is occupying a booth in the restaurant.]

Amy: You're having an affair with the head of the robot mafia's wife?

Bender (Off-screen): Yup, this is her I'm making out with.

[The entire table is shown, Bender and Fanny are laying in the center of it kissing.]

Hermes: Bender, are you crazy?

Bender: No, it's Fry who's crazy in this one.

Fry: Psht, I'm not crazy.

Leela: You sure you're okay, Fry? You do have tin foil on your head.

Fry: So? You've got a leech on your neck. Oh, and speaking of sucking on your neck, want to go to a movie later?

Elzar: Hey, there! How are you folks doing tonight?

Bender: Great. What are the specials?

Elzar: We've got a wonderful grizzly bear that's been dipped in cornmeal and lightly tormented. Questions?

Amy: What was the bear's name?

Elzar: Jojo.

Amy: Ooh, I'll have him.

[Cut to the entrance of the restaurant, Donbot, Joey Mousepad and Clamps walk in. Fanny gasps, Bender yelps and moves half of his head into his body.]

Bender: Hide me!

Joey Mousepad: Hey, Donbot, ain't that your wife what with you had that wedding with?

Fanny: [While sauntering over to Donbot looking rather bloated.] Donbot, honey! What a pleasant shock! I was just having dinner alone, when suddenly you walk in on us.

Donbot: Alone, huh?

[Her body groans and Bender comes shooting out of her chest cavity.]

Bender: Where am I? I was exploring a wormhole through space many light years from this restaurant, when suddenly I was surrounded by darkness. (To Fanny:) Hot, sexy darkness. [He purrs sensually.] Oh, why, hello, Donbot! Hello, miss, have we met? [He shakes Fanny's hand.] I'm Bender. The world's most sexual robot. I mean, the world's most boundary-respecting robot.

Donbot: Nice to see you, Bender. Welcome back to our universe. Listen, sugar, I stuck up the Burlington Coat Factory and got you a little something. It's a $49 value.

[He puts a white fur coat on her and she spins her fan and squeals with delight.]

Danny: Donbot, I love you! (To Bender:) Not really.

Bender: Man, this is great! I always wanted to nail a dame in a fur coat, and now's my chance. [He catches himself.] I mean, if you'll introduce me to one, sir. (To Fanny:) One as sexy as you, baby! Bender out. [He struts away while humming/scatting. Zoom on Donbot's eyes, they squint, showing Donbot is onto Bender.]

[Establishing shot of the Wong Hotel & Casino. Scene: Fanny and Bender walk through the Casino.]

Fanny: I never felt so alive, Bender. Listen, this turquoise-encrusted bra is worth 50 grand. Let's sell it and run off before the Donbot gets wise.

Bender: [He sighs.] No. It will take a lot more money than that to make a girl like you happy.

Fanny: No, it won't.

Bender: Yeah, it will. Shut up! We'll run off, after I win the Universal Poker Championship! [He raises his hand to reveal his plan, reaches into Fanny's bosom, rips out the bra and slams it on the Administrator's counter.] One entry, please.

Fanny: Bender, no! You're not lucky enough.

Bender: Oh, no? I'm 40% lucky. [He bangs on his chest twice.] The scrap metal I'm made from included a truckload of horseshoes from the luckiest racehorses in Mexico, who had just been sent to a glue factory.

Fanny: They don't sound so lucky to me.

Bender: Not without their shoes.

[Scene: The Hip Joint Janitor walks up to the railing of a casino that has a "Dancing Fountains" display in front of it. He dumps a bottle of Diet Slurm and a pack of Mentos into the water and the show begins. Pan over to Bender, who is getting his foot cups polished by a machine. He is cheerfully humming again and Fanny walks up to him.]

Fanny: Here, Bendy, take this. It will give you 70% more luck. It's the Donbot's lucky robot's foot.

Bender: All right! With two kinds of luck, I can't lose.

Bender: No, wait, three. I stepped on a leprechaun.

[Joey Mousepad and Clamps stop in their car when they see Bender and Fanny together.]

Joey Mousepad: Yo, you see this over here over there?

Clamps: I'm powering up the clamps.

[Scene: An old store titled "SMALL BILL'S LAUNDERING." The mafia trio sit in the back of the shop.]

Donbot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let us not rush to judgement.

Joey Mousepad: But, Skip, that was your lucky robot's foot what came off of your lucky leg.

Donbot: [He turns his chair to the side and shows his missing appendage.] While it is true that I did wake up with only one foot this morning, there is no proof that my beloved Fanny was involved. Aside from the hacksaw I found under her pillow.

Clamps: Well, what about that Bender guy? You want I should give him the clamps?

Donbot: Not yet, Clamps. We are gonna sit tight and see if he wins the poker tournament. He does, that proves he's packing my lucky foot, in which event...

Clamps: The clamps! Or a clamp-like device.

[Scene: Penn & Teller are hosting the 3009 Universal Poker Tournament at the Wong Hotel.]

Penn Jillette: Welcome viewers who fell asleep with the TV on! It's the 3009 no-limit hold 'em championship. [The crowd cheers.] I'm the massive head of Penn Jillette, and here with a color commentary, my partner Teller. [Teller's head is floating in his own jar. As always, he is deceased.] Our act really didn't change much when he died.

Bender: Pardon me, I'm new to this game. Is this duffle bag big enough for all your money? [He laughs and sits down at the table.]

Fry: [He walks up to the table.] Bender? Oh, boogers. We're in the same tournament. Quick, get your entry fee back before I bankrupt you.

Bender: Pfft! In your dreams, nutloaf.

Fry: Bite my shiny metal hat.

[Graphic: "HAND 1." Leo Wong is the dealer.]

Penn Jillette (Whispering): Tex Connecticut, the pride of Kansas City, first to act. [He has a Queen and a Nine and calls the blinds.] Smiley Spiff, up next. [He has a Jack and a Ten and also calls.] Looks like Boobs Vanderbilt has a decent pair. Also, she's got two eights. [She calls.] And Bender Rodriguez picks up a lucky deal right off the bat. [He calls as well.]

[Fry looks at his cards. Two Kings. He lifts his hat up a bit and reads Bender's mind.]

Bender (Telepathically): Woo! Two aces. I'm thinking guitar solo. [He mimics a guitar solo.]

Fry: He puts his hat back down.] I fold.

Penn Jillette: Holy crap! A stunning play by mentally ill newcomer Philip Fry. It's almost as if he knew Bender had two aces.

[Pull out of Penn's shot to reveal that he is sitting 20 or so feet from the game table.]

'Boobs Vanderbilt: Bender has two aces? I'm out.

Tex Connecticut: I'm out.

Lrrr: I'm out.

Bender: [He laughs and pulls in the chips.] Suck my luck!

[Joey Mousepad, Donbot and Clamps are sitting in the audience.]

Donbot: See this gun? [He holds up a gun, but then he crumples it in his hand.] That's what I'm gonna do to Bender if he wins.

[Graphic: "Hand 6." Fry wins. Graphic: "Hand 13." Bender wins the pot, a gold watch and a human baby. Graphic: "Hand 79."]

Lrrr: All in. Call my mighty bid at your peril. [He growls at the table. Fry lifts his hat.] (Telepathically): My cards are awful, and I need a hug.

Fry: I call your bluff.

[Fry wins the hand. Lrrr growls at Fry.]

Lrrr: I shall annihilate... Fry hugs him.] (Sobbing:) I just wanted to make my daddy proud.

Lrrr's Father: Well, you didn't. I want you and your junk moved out by Monday.

Penn Jillette: It's getting pretty intense, folks. Based on the state of decomposition of Teller's head, we're now in hour 19 of the tournament. And the first bad deal of the night for Bender.

Bender: Hey, pal, help me out here. [He holds up his cards - a Seven and a Two.] This is the worst possible hand, right?

Tex Connecticut: I'm all in.

Bender: All in! I mean, fold. Whatever.

Penn Jillette: [Leo deals the flop.] Well, Bender's luck just ran out. No card can save him from elimination.

[Cut back to the table. A giant prop card falls on Tex Connecticut's neck and incapacitates him.]

Boobs Vanderbilt: Oh, my gourds! He's dead. [A card falls on her as well.]

[The killer cards total 21.]

Leo Wong: 21, winner! [He pushes the chips to Bender.]

Bender: Wooo! I'm so full of luck, it's shooting out like luck diarrhoea.

Penn Jillette: Wake up, poker fans! We're down to our final two players in heads-up action for the Championship. Your perspective, Teller? [A rat eats Teller's left eye.]

[Leo deals cards to Bender and Fry. Fry looks at his cards then raises his hat and looks at Bender, who has yet to look at his cards. Bender refuses to look at his cards. Cut to Donbot who is watching from the crowd and tries to crack his knuckles. He breaks off all of his fingers in the process.]

Bender: All in.

[The crowd gasps.]

Fry: But-but, you didn't even look at your cards!

Bender: Looking at one's cards is a crutch for players who rely on skill.

[Fry lowers his hat and gulps.]

Leo Wong: Any day now, Fry. You in or out?

[Fry stammers as he looks for an answer.]

Bender: What's the matter, Fry, you scared? Or just [He spins his head around and wiggles in fingers] crazy? [He laughs.]

Fry: All right, all in. [Leo deals the cards.] Yes! Four aces!

Bender: [Fry moves in to take the pot.] Ah-ah-ah. Read 'em and weep, and then tell me what they are.

Leo Wong: Two kings. And with three on the board, that gives Bender five kings.

[The crowd gasps.]

Fry: But how is that...

Penn Jillette: I don't believe it. Bender has just been dealt the King of Beers, a coaster from the bar that somehow got mixed into the deck. But it still counts!

[The crowd cheers and music begins playing.]

Leo Wong: Bender win the Championship!

Bender: [He eats the money.] That's some good money. [He then belches fire.]

Fanny: [She comes running over with a suitcase.] You did it, Bender. You're the greatest.

Bender: Tell me something I don't know, sweetass. Now, let's boogie. We'll be in Space Tahiti before the Donbot knows what hit him.

[As Bender is walking away from the table, he throws the Donbot's lucky robot's foot behind him and it strikes the Donbot in the face.]

Donbot: Now I am suspicious.

[Scene: A desert on Mars at night. Bender and Fanny are digging holes. They are illuminated by the Donbot's car headlights.

Bender: Okay, we finished digging this shallow grave. Can we go now?

[The mafia trio then shoot Fanny and Bender for a while with machine guns. Part way through the shooting, Donbot stops to check the time and then resumes his firing. Cut to them driving away from the filled in graves. A worm train goes past with "TO BE CONTINUED..." graffitied on it]
[Closing Credits.]