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Transcript for
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed bySanfazer

[Opening Credits. Caption: SOON TO BE A HIT TELEVISION SHOW]

Fry: Bucket of hot dogs?

Cubert: Check.

Fry: Butt massager engaged?

Bender: Check.

Fry: Then let the video games begin! Wait. Hang on. I— I lost my controller.

Cubert: There is no controller. The X-Cube tracks your motions with a built-in camera.

Bender: Oh, yeah? Track this motion.

[Cut to.]

Cubert: Frykowski. BenderIsGreat34. Follow me!

Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun.

Cubert: Aw! You guys again?!

German #1: Ach! These dorkeschoens. Let's humiliate them with slingshots.

Fry: Shoot your weapon, Private!

Bender: Wait. How do I— Hold on. Oops.

German #1: Sorry to kill und run, but I really must be Göring.

[Cut to.]

Fry: Man!

Bender: Pwned again.

Cubert: This is all Bender's fault. Admit it! Your reflexes suck!

Bender: Aw... It's true! My circuitry's twelve years outta-date. I can't keep up with today's high-speed, top-o'-the-line kids.

Fry: You can't even keep up with me and I'm some sort o' stone-age throwback.

Cubert: You know... I might be able to speed up your reflexes by overclockin' ya.

Bender: Eh... What's that, sonny? You say it'll put some whoopiee in my cushion?

[Cut to.]

Cubert: This may take a while. I've got to adjust the memory timing, raise the CPU voltage, and delete twelve terabytes of outdated catchphrases.

Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun!

Female voice: Deleted.

Bender: [sad] Oh.

Leela: Fry, can we talk about our relationship?

Fry: Of course. Our relationship is the best thing in my life, so I'm sure I'll enjoy talking about it with you.

[Cut to.]

Leela: I dunno. I guess I'm just feeling uneasy about us being so on-again, off-again.

Fry: Maybe it's none o' my business, but, if it were up to me, we'd be on all the time. An' I mean all the time.

Leela: But what would that be like? I mean... If we were together, where would we be ten years from now? Still here?

Fry: Definitely. Or... Somewhere else.

Leela: Maybe I'm havin' some kinda... Early-life crisis, but... Look: Don't you ever wonder about the future?

Fry: Well, sure, but... You're always in it. Also, sometimes, terminators.

[Cut to.]

Cubert: Alright. You should run a lot faster now. Unless you die.

Bender: [back to normal] Woo! I'm smart! I know how to spell aardvark. February is the shortest month. There's three-thousand-eighteen jelly beans in that jar.

Cubert: Damn, I'm good.

Bender: I mean three-thousand-eighteen rat kidneys.

[Cut to.]

Cubert: Now, then, my man. Let's see if your reflexes are—

Bender: Faster!

[Cut to.]

Cubert: [quickly] Get 'em! Get 'em! Get 'em!

[Cut to.]

Bender: Eh, foreign aggressors. Vhat's up?

German #1: Oh, we were just eating spaetzle and listening to Kraftwerk— I— I mean, "Fire!"

German #2: That tap-dancing, decadent jazz baby is too fast for us!

German #1: Let's see him outrun a V-2!

Bender: It's my brains against your von Braun!

German #1: Ach! I could have fired a V-8!

Walt: Those guys normally stink. That's why we play them exclusively.

Larry: Those cheaters must've cheated!

Walt: Now, Larry. Let's deal with this like mature adults. [screaming, extendedly] Mommy!

Mom: What is it, you colicky bastards?!

Walt: We were playing video games and the other kids didn't play fair!

Mom: What?! Nobody rips off my kids but me! We can find out who they are through their motion-capture camera. It better not be those little Korean girls again. Aha! Got it!

Bender: [on the screen] Woo! We're the greatest! Mostly me!

Mom: [off camera] Bender Rodríguez?

Walt: [off camera] But he's a stock MomCorp bending unit. [on camera] And 'e's twelve years out-of-date. How could 'e possibly play that well?

Bender: [on the screen] Did you see me?! History came alive an' I killed it!

Cubert: [on the screen] If I overclock you some more, maybe we can beat those Korean girls!

Mom: Well, well. That nerd burglar overclocked the Robot's processor!

Larry: And that voids his warranty. Even an idiot like me knows that.

Mom: An idiot like you knows nothing! What matters is... It violates the licence agreement. And that means I've got 'im right by his little—

[Cut to.]

Smitty: Ding dong. I'm sayin' "Ding dong" 'cause you don't 'ave a doorbell.

Cubert: Hey, pigs.

URL: We're lookin' for a Cubert J. Farnsworth.

Cubert: You're porkin' at 'im!

Smitty: You're under arrest for felony violation of the MomCorp licence agreement.

Professor Farnsworth: What's all this oinking about?! Who called the fuzz?!

URL: Sir, who's this boy's legal guardian?

Professor Farnsworth: You're porkin' at 'im!

URL: Then the charges apply to you too.

Professor Farnsworth: Wha?

Mom: Farnsworth?! What a lucky break!

[Cut to.]

Mom: After all these years, I've got 'im! And legally too!

Larry: Even an idiot like me knows he'll be ruined.

Mom: An idiot like you is correct!

[Cut to.]

Professor Farnsworth: You overclocked Bender?! What did I teach you about tinkering with machinery?

Cubert: How. You taught me how.

Professor Farnsworth: I also taught you not to get caught! Oh, I wish I'd never cloned you.

Cubert: It's not my fault! I didn't even know Bender had a licence agreement!

Professor Farnsworth: Neither did I— Ooh.


Professor Farnsworth: Bender, as my newest employee, could you bend this drinking straw for me?

Bender: Sure. Let me just.

Mom: [on the hologram] First, click the licence agreement, deary.

Professor Farnsworth: I really shouldn't agree to things I don't understand, but I'm slightly thirsty.

[Cut to.]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, God! I clicked without reading!

Cubert: An' I slightly modified a thing that I own!

Professor Farnsworth: We're monsters!

[Cut to.]

Walt: Congratulations, Mother. Can you die happy now?

Mom: Not yet!

Walt: Darn!

Mom: I can't rest until this bending unit is restored to factory specs.

Igner: Why not?

Mom: If people learn they can overclock their old Robots, they won't buy my new Robots! This will not stand! [off camera] Hoverfish, [on camera] bring me the clock of Bender Rodríguez.

[Cut to.]
[Cut to.]

Hermes: Good news, everyone! That's what the Professor would say if we weren't in jail facin' a life sentence.

Bender: Guys! Guys! I discovered I have an extra processor in my compartment o' mystery. Bein' overclocked was a start, but, once I activate this processor, I'll be all like, "You're a big dummy, Einstein! Get a haircut!" Aw! Wow! I can't believe how stupid I used to be an' you still are. What are all these page-y things?

Amy: Look out! You're overheating!

Bender: Yeah, yeah. There. Now, I'm water-cooled. I can stimulate my intellect without further thermodynamical disruptions.

Fry: I miss the old, illiterate Bender.

Hermes: What's happened to you, mon? I thought you liked beer an' knock-knock jokes.

Bender: I'm processin' so fast, it's like I can anticipate that the ceilin' fan's gonna fall an' knock Zoidberg unconscious.

Zoidberg: Wrong, Mr. Genius.

Bender: Not that ceilin' fan. In fact, lookin' ahead, it's obvious Mom won't allow me to stay accelerated like this. Hmmm. Who's up for a turkey dinner an' a game o' badminton?

Hermes: Say what?!

Bender: Yup.

Amy: Uh-oh. 'E must be overheating again.

Hoverfish: Bending unit, you are ordered to report for factory reset.

Bender: Okay. Sure. But, first, this.

Zoidberg: I hear turkey. Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop— Oh, boy. Ay... Ay. Ay.

Bender: Ten more processors for me. Once I install these, I'll have access to the loftiest realms o' thought!

Zoidberg: Anyone have access to a lofty realm of gravy?

Bender: I can conceive of gravies that would boggle your tiny mind! But it's not safe here. So I'll need to find a hideout.

Fry: Hideout? Bender, are you becoming some kinda supervillain?

Bender: Farewell, monobrains.

[Cut to.]

Yellow and red lawyer: Your Honour, Mom is a poor, frail industrialist with three special sons who require constant neglect. Yet, isn't it true, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that this boy, this... Cubert Farnsworth...

Cubert: [frightened] That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Yellow and red lawyer: Deliberately robber her blind by improving his own Robot?!

Fishy Joe: It's true! 'E did it!

Yellow and red lawyer: No further questions for this jury.

Ron Whitey: Before I call a recess for mimosas and horse breeding, can the defence produce the bending unit in question?

Professor Farnsworth: [whispering] We don't know where the hell 'e is.

Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, that is something we cannot a-doodle-do.

Ron Whitey: Then I'm holding the defendants in contempt and fining them ten-thousand dollars a day until they produce the Robot.

Hermes: Oh! At that rate, Planet Express will be bankrupt in... Four fingers!

[Cut to.]

Hermes: It's been a good run, people, but this is the end.

Zoidberg: [off camera] Wait! [on camera] I've got it! This building's technically in the theatre district. If we could mount one big musical featuring everyone's talents, we might just save Planet Express!

Nibbler: We'll call it Nibbler on the Roof!

Fry: Alright!

Zoidberg: Hooray!

Hermes: We're saved!

Leela: I've been thinking a lot about moving on with my life. And hearing the words Nibbler on the Roof has given me the kick in the pants I needed. It's time for me to leave and make a fresh start.

Fry: [sad] Don't go, Leela, please. You an' me... We were supposed to...

Leela: What?

Fry: I dunno. [happy] But someday we'll find out. [sad] Won't we?

Leela: Goodbye, Fry.

[Cut to.]
[Cut to.]
[Cut to.]

Fry: I dunno, Randy. I just feel like my life's falling apart. The Professor's in jail and now Leela's gone forever.

Randy Munchnik: Stay strong, Fry.

Fry: You're the best friend I have left. [sad] An' I barely even know you.

Randy Munchnik: Have you thought about asking Bender for help?

Fry: [angry] What are you, Randy? A complete moron?! [sad] I'd love to talk to Bender, but I 'ave no idea where 'e is.

Randy Munchnik: Well, if 'e's runnin' on twelve processors, 'e must be some place with a lotta power and liquid coolant.

Fry: [angry] Aw! You're no help at all! [sad] I'm gonna go kill myself.

[Cut to.]

Fry: [off camera] Wait a second. Power. Liquid coolant. [on camera] That gives me the option of electrocution or drowning.

Paper-hatted salesman: [off camera] Barrels here. [on camera] Can't go over the Falls without a barrel.

Fry: What are my chances of surviving in one o' those?

Paper-hatted salesman: Slim to none.

Fry: I like those odds!

[Time lapse.]

Fry: [inside the barrel] Wait. This isn't a barrel. It's just a stinking cask! I want my money [screaming, extendedly] back! [back to normal] Ow! Ow!

[Cut to.]

Fry: That was not worth three-thousand dollars.

[Cut to.]

Fry: Hello? Anybody?

Bender: [off camera] Fry?

Fry: Bender?! Are you in here?!

Bender: In here is the only place I'm not. I amuse myself.

[Time lapse.]

Fry: But— Bender?! What happened to you?

Bender: I'll try to put it in terms you can comprehend. I passed the existential singularity.

Fry: Try harder!

Bender: I hacked myself inside-out and now the entire universe is my processor.

[The walls turn into a background of stars.]

Fry: Whoa! I definitely wanna hear about that. But, first, I need your help. The Professor and Cubert are in trouble and Leela left me. I'm in misery!

Bender: I've grown far beyond the petty concerns of your world. Every time I burp, a new galaxy is born. [Bender burps and two galaxies appear.] Two if I've been eatin' broccoli. All existence is just a chess game. An' I can see fifty moves ahead. Human emotion no longer concerns me.

Fry: But— But Randy said—

Bender: [screaming] Randy?! [back to normal] 'Ave you been hangin' out with Randy?!

Fry: Please, Bender. If everything is a chess game for you, you must know how to help me.

Bender: I'm sorry, Fry. But some games you just can't win. [off camera] Cubert and the Professor are guilty. The jury will vote to convict. [sad] I can't change that.

Fry: Well, what about Leela? Is there any hope things could still work out between us?

Bender: [on camera] It's getting late. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some new heavy elements to create. [off camera] Better cover your nads. It may get a little non-Newtonian in here.

[Cut to.]

Ron Whitey: Not only have the defendants failed to rebut the charges, they've not even presented any mitigating factors to recommend leniency. It strikes me as an extra-risky strategy.

Hyper-Chicken: Did you say "extra-crispy recipe"?

Ron Whitey: You know I didn't.

Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour... If we could locate Bender Rodríguez, he would testify that my clients acted without malice.

Fry: No, 'e wouldn't. Bender doesn't care about us anymore.

Zoidberg: Someone used to care about me?! Hooray!

Ron Whitey: In that case, the jury will begin its deliberations. Bailiff, [off camera] release the jury collies.

Mom: I finally nailed Farnsworth. Destroyin' the boy is just icing on the cake.

Larry: No one destroys a boy like you, Mother.

Mom: Thank you, you repulsive disappointment.

Fry: Any word from Leela?

Amy: I heard she took a job selling deep-space real estate. Somewhere beyond the most distant thing ever observed with a telescope.

Fry: [sad] She always liked not being observed with a telescope.

Ron Whitey: Order. Order in the head.

Bender: For reasons beyond even my comprehension, I 'ave returned to testify on behalf of the defendants.

Professor Farnsworth: Yay!

Cubert: Yay, Bender!

Fry: [happy] I knew 'e cared about us!

Hermes: You said you knew he didn't care about us!

Fry: Leave me alone.

Yellow and red lawyer: Your Honour, I object to this surprise witness. 'E's too surprising!

Ron Whitey: Sustained. Testimony has closed.

Bender: But— Your Honour—

Ron Whitey: Silence! One more in-burst like that an' I'll have this courtroom removed from you! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Bender: [sad] I'm sorry, guys. I didn't realise I was late. I guess I'm not as smart as everybody thought.

Professor Farnsworth: I was born in prison and I'll die in prison.

Bender: There is still one hope. You're co-defendants. An' the jury might not wanna convict a twelve-year-old.

Mom: Son of a nerd. He may be right! Make sure Farnsworth doesn't get off easy on account o' that snot-gobbling twerp.

Ron Whitey: 'As the jury reached a verdict?

Fishy Joe: Not just any verdict, Your Honour. A great verdict!

Mom: [frightened] They're going to take pity on him! [angry] Do something!

Yellow and red lawyer: Your Honour, prosecution moves to drop the charges against Cubert Farnsworth.

Ron Whitey: Very well. The case against Cubert Farnsworth is hereby dismissed.

Cubert: Told ya I'd get away with it.

Ron Whitey: That'll do, pig. Please read the verdict against Professor Farnsworth.

Fishy Joe: You got it, Judge. I think you'll find this verdict as fair as it is cruel.

Bender: [off camera] Your Honour, [on camera] I move for a mistrial on grounds of double jeopardy. Cubert Farnsworth cannot be tried twice for the same crime! Cubert is the Professor's clone. Ergo, they are legally the same person. Since you dismissed the charges against Cubert, you cannot convict the Professor of these same charges!

Hyper-Chicken: Well, I'll be a nugget's uncle. He's right!

Ron Whitey: What a brilliant legal shenanigan! Case dismissed.

Zoidberg: Yay!

Fry: Yay!

Hermes: Yes!

Fry: Bender, you knew all this would happen, didn't you?

Bender: Yes. All except this part.

Mom: If I can't bring down Farnsworth, I can at least dumb down 'is Robot. Take 'im away and reset 'im to factory-stupid condition!

Fry: Bender, wait. While you can still calculate the future, just tell me: What's gonna happen with me an' Leela?

Bender: There's no time now. Quick, Zoidberg! Take three steps to your right!

[Cut to.]

Nibbler: [sad] We've had some tough times, [happy] but at least we won a Tony!

Zoidberg: You won a Tony. Feh!

Fry: Wow. You gave up your superintelligence to save us. Why did you come back?

Bender: Honestly, I couldn't think o' one good reason. But some decisions can't be made by thinking. Even if you're drunk! No galaxies there.

Leela: Knock knock.

Bender: Oh! Oh! Who's there?!

Fry: Leela?!

Professor Farnsworth: Yay!

Bender: Leela who?!

Fry: [off camera] It's good [on camera] to see you. [sad] Is it good to see me?

Leela: Of course.

Amy: [off camera] Come on in, Leela! [on camera] Take that ugly coat off!

Leela: Thanks. Hi, everybody.

Hermes: So... Tell us. How's the intergalactic real estate going?

Leela: Pretty good. I just sold a castle to the King of Space. But, somehow, I keep finding myself thinking about this place. An' things.

Fry: [off camera] Things [on camera] like me or... Things like this badminton racket?

Leela: You, Fry. Bender, while you still have your giant brain, please... Tell me: If Fry an' I ended up together—

Fry: It's too late, Leela. He's good, old Bender again. 'E's totally useless.

Bender: Well, not totally! Before they reset me, I figured out the answers to life's great questions. Uh... This is the reason we exist. This is which ceilin' fans are gonna fall. Aha! Found it! Fry and Leela's Ultimate Fate... By Bender.

Fry: Uh, it's probably better if we don't know. Uh, mystery of life and whatnot.

Leela: Gimme that!

[Closing Credits.]