Transcript:The 30% Iron Chef

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Transcript for
The 30% Iron Chef
Written byJeff Westbrook
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: If Accidentally Watched, Induce Vomiting.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender watches Good Morning Earth on TV. A graphic of the sun peeking over the Earth appears on the screen then cuts to Morbo and Linda in the studio.]

Morbo: [on TV] Welcome back. Our next guest has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently my, uh, wife hasn't been listening.

[A laughter track is heard and Linda chuckles.]

Linda: [on TV] Oh, funny!

Morbo: [shouting; on TV] I will destroy her! [talking] And now, extend a formulaic greeting to master chef Elzar. [The sound of cheering is heard and Morbo walks into a studio kitchen where Elzar smiles and waves.] So, uh, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?

Elzar: [on TV] Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice, unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney.

[He lifts a pot onto a hob. Morbo looks inside and radiation flares out of the pot and X-rays his head.]

Morbo: [on TV] Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!

[Bender hums as he stirs a pot of gloop. Enter Fry.]

Fry: Hey, uh, what's with all the pots and pans? You building a wife?

Bender: Part of one. Meantime, I'm cooking up a tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends.

[He takes a bird out of his chest cabinet and swallows it. Shredding, whirring sounds come from inside him and he spits out the bird skeleton. He dusts it off and puts it in a frying pan.]

Fry: Brunch. Right. I'd better warn-- tell-- warntell the others!

Bender: Okey-dokey!

[Fry leaves and Bender covers the bird with a whole tub of Motron's Salt. He opens another tub and adds an extra pinch of it.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff sans Fry and Bender are gathered around Farnsworth's lab table looking at a ship in a bottle.]

Hermes: Ooh!

Leela: Nice!

Farnsworth: Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.

Zoidberg: Oh!

[He reaches out to the bottle.]

Farnsworth: Get--! [He snatches it away.] For the last time, Zoidberg, look with your eyes, not with your claws.

[He puts the bottle back on the table. Enter Fry.]

Fry: Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch.

[Everyone gasps.]

Zoidberg: Oh, boy!

Farnsworth: Oh, God! My tract!

[He clutches his stomach.]

Fry: He's so proud of his awful cooking. If we don't eat it he'll be crushed.

Leela: Alright, don't panic. If we can get to the ship, we can fly north and hide under the polar icecaps for a few weeks.

Fry: Hurry!

Farnsworth: Good idea!

Zoidberg: What's the hold-up?

[They make for the door. It opens and Bender is standing there stirring a bowl of slop.]

Bender: Fleeing somewhere?

[Fry clears his throat.]

Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.

Bender: In that case brunch is served! Let's go! Move it out! Stop crying, Leela!

[They all file out and Leela cries. Farnsworth pokes his head through the doorway.]

Farnsworth: Zoidberg, are you coming?

[Zoidberg stops reaching for the bottle.]

Zoidberg: Sure. Me.

Farnsworth: Because I don't want you touching that thing.

Zoidberg: I know that. [Farnsworth leaves and Zoidberg picks up the bottle.] Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg! [He wiggles his mouth flaps inside the bottle and breaks off part of the ship. He screams and cuts the bottle in half.] Oh, no! Professor will hit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts! [He picks up some "Strong Force Krazy Glue" but squeezes the bottle too soon and the glue squirts all over him. He screams and steps back. He turns around and some lab equipment and a sign reading "Zoidberg: Don't Touch!" gets stuck to him.] Ow! What? Oh!

[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff sit around the table and Bender dishes up.]

Bender: Today, I've personalised each of your meals. For example, Amy, you're cute, so I baked you a pony. [Everyone gasps. The pony leg on Amy's plate still has a horseshoe on the hoof.] Come on! Eat! I slaved all day over a filthy stove.

[He walks into the kitchen.]

Hermes: This is terrible!

Farnsworth: Good thing I secretly installed this wormhole in the table.

[He presses a button and the wormhole opens in the middle of the table. He scrapes his food, human organs, into it.]

Amy: Where does the other end come out?

Farnsworth: You know, I'm not quite sure. [He peers into the wormhole. The food falls from above and onto his head.] Oh, dear me!

[He takes a cloth out of his lab coat and puts his hand in the wormhole and wipes the food from off his head. Enter Bender, humming. His antenna pop-ups and dings like a microwave. He takes something green out of his chest cabinet.]

Bender: The pie is ready. You guys like swarms of things, right?

[Things crawl around underneath the pie crust. Enter Zoidberg wearing a uncharacteristic long coat. The lab equipment pokes out from the coat and there is a cuckoo clock behind his head.]

Zoidberg: Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally. [The clock goes off and the cuckoo hits Zoidberg in the face.] Ow! Ouch! Get off of me! Stop!

Leela: How interesting, Dr. Zoidberg. Do go on.

[She scrapes her food into a plant and sits down. Bender doesn't notice. He walks back towards the kitchen, humming. He notices the dead plant.]

Bender: Hey, check out the palm tree! It only gets sick when I cook brunch! How's that for a coincidence, Professor? With all your precious science!

[He walks through the door.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender stirs a mop around in a bucket of filthy water and wrings it out into some glasses. He opens the door a little way and hears Fry talking.]

Fry: [from lounge] Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings...

[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]

Fry: But this food actually tastes better as vomit!

Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?

[Bender stands in the doorway crying. He drops the tray of glasses and runs back into the kitchen. Whatever was in the glasses dissolves the floor.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Locker Room. Bender opens his locker and takes out his personalised notepaper headed with "A Note From Bender", "A Ransom Note From Bender" and "A Plea For Attention From Bender". He clicks his finger and a pen comes out and he starts writing on the last paper. He looks at the checklist. "I Am Committing Suicide", "I Am Getting A Tattoo" and "I Am Running Away". He ticks the last one.]

Bender: [crying] And this time I mean it.

[He ticks "And This Time I Mean It".]
[Scene: Outside Planet Express. Bender walks away from the building with a bindle over his shoulder. He throws his chef's hat down and squeaking rats run out of it.]
[Scene: New New York City Street. Bender walks down the street still crying.]

Bender: Aw, who am I kidding? It was stupid of me to ever dream of becoming a chef. I don't have what it takes and nothing can change that. [He cries then looks up. He is standing outside Elzar's restaurant.] Then it's settled! Elzar will teach me to cook!

[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine: Kitchen.]

Elzar: Absolutely not.

[Bender has his arms wrapped around Elzar's legs.]

Bender: But I watch your show. You owe me!

Elzar: I owe you nothing! For starter's, your antenna's in my crotch. Also, I hate you. Finally, you can't cook for squat.

[Bender cries then suddenly stops.]

Bender: What was the first one again?

Elzar: I hate you.

Bender: I thought that was number two.

Elzar: I knocked it up a notch. Bam!

[He points to the door.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg looks at the broken bottle.]

Zoidberg: Aw, I'll never recombobulate this ship! When the Professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca. [He cries then stops.] Wait! What would the robot do? [He thinks.] Frame someone!

[Enter Fry.]

Fry: What up?

[Zoidberg cackles maniacally.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Bathroom. Fry is in the shower with his back to the door. Enter Zoidberg.]

Fry: [singing] I'm walking on sunshine! [He hums and gargles.] Sunshine!

[Zoidberg replaces Fry's T-shirt with one with "I Hate Bottles" printed on it and eats the original.]
[Scene: Rooftops. Bender sits on some pipes. He has five o'clock rust.]

Bender: [crying] It's over! My dream of being a chef is deader than the cat I'm sitting on!

[Two hobos stand next to him.]

Dandy Jim: Gus, old chum, let's give a friendly welcome to this new robo.

[Bender rolls up his sleeves.]

Bender: What did you call me?

Gus: A robo. You know? A robot-hobo.

Bender: Oh, OK. I thought you said "romo".

Dandy Jim: No offence intended, my filthy friend. In fact, why not join us and ride the space rails?

[Scene: Space Train. The train heads down a space track carrying trucks from such companies as Baltimore & Orion, Starlight Express and Wrath-Of-Conrail. The train heads towards a small planet with a giant prism sticking out of it. A truck door opens. The hobos are wearing spacesuits and Bender is with them.]

Gus: Get ready. We's gonna jump off at that switching prism up ahead.

Dandy Jim: We're going nearly the speed of light so, uh, roll when you land.

[They jump and the train hits the prism and each truck flies off in a different direction.]
[Cut to: Planet Surface. The hobos roll when they land and Bender lands on his head.]

Bender: Ow.

[Scene: Bumbase Alpha. Hobos and Robos warm themselves around fires.]

Gus: Welcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest hobo jungle in the quadrant.

Bender: I've seen bigger. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of Eugene, Oregon. [Someone puts a pie on a windowsill. The two hobos smell it and literally float towards it with the help of their jetpacks.] Wait. A pie with hobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it?

Gus: Helmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest chef ever.

Dandy Jim: His restaurant was so high-toned, the only way to get reservations was to create a parallel universe where you already had reservations.

Gus: Yep. I once ate there back when I what was a senator.

Bender: Yo, Spargle. If you're such a great cook, how'd you end up in this dump?

[Spargle is a small, bald man with a German accent. He sighs.]

Spargle: Ages ago I was the host of a TV show...

[Flashback. A younger Helmut Spargle cooks in a studio kitchen.]

Spargle: [voice-over] Down Home Country Kitchen Mit Helmut Spargle. But one day the extreme soda company that sponsored the show decided it was too old-fashioned.

[A man dressed in a "Jammin Orange Blast" can suit walks in.]

Man: Spargle, you're fired! We need a chef who can attract today's younger more extreme cooking show viewer.

[Enter a younger Elzar.]

Spargle: Elzar!

Elzar: Get lost, old man! Bam!

[Spargle's soufflé collapses.]

Spargle: Mein soufflé!

[Flashback ends.]

Spargle: Elzar had been seduced by the dark side of cooking. Cilantro, mango salsa, raspberry vinaigrette!

Bender: That twizzler!

Spargle: As for me, I went temporarily insane and vound up here, making pies out of shoes.

Bender: My story's a lot like yours only more interesting 'cause it involves robots. That jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being a chef too.

[He eats a piece of Spargle's pie.]

Spargle: Interesting. You wish to become a cook, but as a robot you have no sense of taste.

Bender: It's so unfair! I have eight other senses, but I'd trade them all, even smission, to be able to taste.

[He takes the pie out of his chest cabinet.]

Spargle: You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste, your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavour. You could become the greatest chef ever.

Bender: I could?

Spargle: Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf.

Bender: Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands.

Spargle: Bender, hear me well. I shall train you. But first, you must forget everything you know about cooking.

[Bender presses a button on his body and he beeps.]

Bender: Done.

[Montage: Bender trains as a chef to Joe Esposito's You're The Best à la The Karate Kid. First he learns to peel hovering potatoes blindfolded à la Luke's Jedi training in Star Wars. Spargle puts a salad under Bender's ass and Bender grinds some peppercorns by putting them in his mouth and twisting his head. The ground pepper drops onto the salad from his ass. Spargle gives him the thumbs up. Next Bender chops a vegetable very quickly with a knife and ends up chopping up half his arm as well. Spargle takes the knife from him, shows it to some hobos and robos and then chops a tomato like in an advertisement for sharp knives. The hobos and robos applaud.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth talks on the phone.]

Farnsworth: That's right, Ricardo. A ship in a bottle! What's that? Well hang on, I'll look.

[He turns around and gasps. The bottle and ship are in pieces. He drops the phone.]

Ricardo: [on phone] Ola? Professor? Qué pasa?

[Scene: Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. There is a storm outside. It is ten to midnight in the accusing parlour and Farnsworth, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Leela, Fry and Scruffy are assembled in the room. Fry sits with his arms crossed and is not wearing his jacket. Farnsworth paces in front of the fire with a flipchart to the side of him.]

Farnsworth: I've gathered you all here in the accusing parlour because one of you is a miniature ship wrecker.

[Zoidberg gasps.]

Zoidberg: I'm acting astonished.

Farnsworth: Certain clues suggest that the culprit is none other than our own ... Philip J. Fry!

[Everyone gasps. Fry uncrosses his arms revealing his "I Hate Bottles" T-shirt underneath.]

Fry: What?

Farnsworth: Oh, it was a brilliant scheme. But you made one fatal mistake ... leaving this confession note.

[He holds up a piece of paper with "Fry Confesses" written on it. On the bottom of the paper "From The Desk Of Dr. John Zoidberg, M.D." is printed.]

Zoidberg: Fry, you scoundrel!

Fry: Well, I don't remember any of that but I don't have the wherewithal to defend myself.

Farnsworth: Then I have no choice but to charge you the full cost of the materials: $10.

[Zoidberg gasps. Fry takes $10 out of his wallet.]

Fry: There you go.

[Violin strains play and Zoidberg puts his claws to his head.]

Zoidberg: [shouting] What have I done?

[Scene: Bumbase Alpha. Spargle is seated at a table with hobos and robos gathered around. Bender walks out of a hut carrying a tray with a cover on it. He hums and puts the tray on the table in front of Spargle.]

Spargle: Your training is complete, little dessert spoon. Now, just as the man who wishes to be world chess champion must win at least one game of chess, so must you serve at least one edible meal. [quietly] Succeed and I shall reveal to you the age-old secret [whispering] of perfect flavour.

[The crowd gasps.]

Gus: Ooh, yeah!

Bender: [shouting] Slop's on!

[He lifts the lid.]

Gus: Fine lookin' eats!

[Spargle takes a bite and Bender looks on with anticipation. Spargle chews and the crowd stares. Spargle swallows.]

Spargle: It is ... acceptable.

[The hobos cheer.]

Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at! Wait. Why'd you stop eating, master?

Spargle: [hoarse] Because ... my stomach is about to explode.

[The crowd gasps.]

Bender: What? My dinner killed you? Oh, man!

Spargle: [hoarse] Oh, it hurts. But don't lose confidence. The important thing is that you defeat Elzar after I am gone. [He takes something out of his pocket.] And using this, you cannot fail.

[Bender takes it.]

Bender: A diamond vial of Mrs. Dash?

Spargle: [hoarse] No. It is the essence of pure flavour. A few drops will cause the inner perfection of any dish to blossom forth. [His stomach explodes.] Oh! There goes my ... life.

[He dies and falls face first into the plate of slop. The crowd gasps.]

Bender: I'll avenge you, master. I swear, in the presence of these drunken bums, that I shall defeat Elzar!

Gus: Oh, I'm not drunk, I'm mentally ill. But I likes what what you said!

[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender meets his opponent.]

Bender: Elzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished business!

Elzar: Why, you--

[Bender knocks a spice weasel off Hattie's table and turns to Elzar.]

Bender: Helmut Spargle has a message for you. He says [hoarse] "Ooh, I'm dead!"

Elzar: Spargle, huh? What he do, bland himself to death?

Bender: No. He was eating some food I made and by a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded. Now I'm here to avenge him.

Elzar: OK, but it seems like you're the one who killed him.

Bender: Maybe so but you are his sworn enemy. I challenge you to a battle of the chefs.

[He screws off his hand and smacks Elzar with it. The customers gasp.]

Customer: Scandalous!

Elzar: Very well. We'll meet on the ancient televised battleground of Kitchen Coliseum. Whosever meal is best will claim the title of Iron Cook.

Bender: Iron Cook, eh? I can't lose. I'm 30% iron! [He bangs his body.] You're going down! Uh, also I had a reservation for one, under "Dr. Bender".

[Scene: The Planet Express ship crosses the city and lands outside the Kitchen Coliseum (Home Of The Kitchen University Wildcats).]
[Scene: Kitchen Coliseum. There are two kitchen areas on either side of the studio and huge pictures of Elzar and Bender in chef gear. The room is darkened.]

Hiroki: Please welcome the superintendent of Kitchen Coliseum, Chairman Koji! [A spotlight lights up Koji who has his foot on a white tiger.] No robot chef has ever competed here but today one has barged his way in to challenge for the title of...

[Birds fly out from under Koji's cloak.]

Koji: Iron Cookuru!

[Bender and Elzar rise from the under the floor in front of their pictures. The crowd cheers. Fry and the rest of the Planet Express staff watch from the seats.]

Fry: [shouting] Yeah! You show 'em!

[In the main part of the studio, Hiroki sits with several celebrities at a long table.]

Hiroki: Let's meet today's celebrity judges: Captain of the Harlem Globetrotters, Ethan Bubblegum Tate.

Tate: Konnichiwa, brother!

Hiroki: TV anchor-monster, Morbo.

Morbo: Greetings, pathetic host.

Hiroki: And a woman who ended a thousand-year galactic war with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's head.

Stewart: The secret is fresh pork.

[Time Lapse.]

Hiroki: And now, Chairman Koji will present the theme ingredient to be used in every dish today.

Bender: [quietly] If it's chicken, chicken c la king; if it's fish, fish à la king; if it's turkey, fish à la king.

[Koji pulls a sheet off the ingredient.]

Koji: Soylent Greuu!

[The camera faces the soylent green and the caption "Soylent Green" appears.]

Hiroki: Soylent Green, a classic ingredient of gourmet cooking. And the battle is on. [Bender and Elzar scoop soylent green blocks from the pile onto their trays and carry them to their kitchens. A cameraman points the camera at Elzar who is cutting the blocks of soylent green. Hiroki talks to a woman in a green suit with a microphone.] Aki, what's Elzar making?

Aki: Well, Hiroki-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of mine and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.

Stewart: In the English countryside many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds.

[Time Lapse. Bender rolls some dough with his hands.]

Female Announcer: [voice-over] 30 minutes to go.

[Bender sits on the dough and starts rolling it.]

Hiroki: Look at Bender roll that dough!

Tate: I've never seen such confident, powerful strokes of the ass!

Stewart: You've never seen mine!

Tate: [sexfully] No, I haven't!

[Time Lapse.]

Female Announcer: [voice-over] Fifteen minutes remaining.

[Elzar gives a signal and Sal rolls a hovercrane into the studio carrying a huge model.]

Hiroki: The iron cook is bringing in his signature creation, a working pastry replica of downtown Venice.

[A cameraman points a camera at the model and a shrimp rows a gondola down the canal singing La donna è mobile. In the audience, a man walks around with a box strapped to his front with $10.00 written in it.]

Man: [shouting] Commemorative turkey basters. Get your commemorative turkey basters.

Fry: Yo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and I've tried everything. [He open his wallet but it is empty.] Oh, right. Never mind.

[The violin strains play again and Zoidberg puts his claws to his head.]

Zoidberg: Oh, the guilt! The unbearable guilt!

Female Announcer: [voice-over] Fifteen seconds.

[Elzar arranges his food on the plates and a man wheels in a rack of spice weasels. Elzar selects one.]

Elzar: Bam!

[He takes the spice weasel off the rack and gives his food a blast with it.]

Female Announcer: [voice-over] Ten seconds.

[Bender hammers his food and arranges it on a tray. He looks at it and then takes out Spargle's vial.]

Bender: Master Spargle, if you can hear me up there in that ditch where I left you, this is for you.

[He pours some flavour onto the food and a gong sounds.]

Koji: Time uperuu!

[Time Lapse. A "Tasting" caption appears on the screen.]

Hiroki: The iron cook Neptunian has gone all out to please the judges. He's even garnished the salad with $100 bills. Let's see what they think.

[Elzar puts plates of food in front of Tate and Morbo and scrapes some into Stewart's jar.]

Tate: Mmm. Soylent green is my kind of people!

[He eats some more. Morbo sucks up his soylent spaghetti.]

Morbo: Scrumptious. Morbo will store this in his sack for future digestion.

Stewart: I'm swimming in my own soylent waste. It's a good thing.

[The gong sounds again.]

Hiroki: Next up, challenger Bender. A student of the legendary Helmut Spargle, Bender is some sort of wonderful mechanical man.

[Bender puts the plates in from of Tate and Morbo. He scrapes some into Stewart's jar and she completely disappears under it.]

Stewart: Ooh, delicious!

Tate: This food looks kind of funky, but it tastes kind of fun-kay!

Morbo: The challenger's ugly food has shown us that even hideous things can be sweet on the inside.

[He starts crying. Tate hugs him and pats his back.]
[Time Lapse. The caption "Judgement" appears on the screen.]

Hiroki: And now, judgement. The winner will become the new iron cook, the loser is doomed to scrub. [Dirty pots and pans are piled around a sink.] Whose confection will achieve perfection? Whose foodstuff will be the good stuff?

[Leela crosses her fingers.]

Koji: Challengeruu Benderuu!

[Everyone applauds.]

Fry: Yay!

Farnsworth: [shouting] That's my robot! I own him!

Bender: You honour me, Chairman Koji.

Koji: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Bender: Chairman-san, I came here with one goal: To humiliate Elzar in a large stadium. I believe I've done that.

[On the other side of the studio Elzar scrubs the pots and pans.]

Elzar: No question.

Bender: But the true Zen of flavour is not found in a coliseum. It is found in a small kitchen, with friends. That is why I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept only the lesser title of "Zinc Saucier", which I just made up. Also, it comes with double prize money.

[Everyone cheers. Zoidberg runs onto the platform next to Bender and Koji.]

Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know: I broke the Professor's bottled ship. [The audience gasps.] And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry! [crying] I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honourable path. What the killing myself. [He takes Koji's sword and rips his shirt open. More gasps.] Here I go, already. [He stabs himself but the sword crumples as it hits his shell.] Huh?

Koji: Oh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!

[Zoidberg drops the sword.]

Zoidberg: Fry did it!

[He runs away, wooping.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch the show on TV. Bender turns it off.]

Bender: And that's how I defeated Elzar, thanks to Spargle's magic liquid.

Leela: Yes, we were there. And we just finished watching it again on TV.

Farnsworth: Hmm. Let me see that vial, Bender. [He takes it and puts it in a microwave-like machine. A readout prints and he looks at it and gasps.] Good Lord! According to the spectrolizer, Spargle's magic ingredient was ... water. Ordinary water!

[Everyone gasps.]

Hermes: No!

Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spargle gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best.

Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.

[Bender takes the vial.]

Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch? Cooked with plenty of ... "confidence"?

Leela: I'm in!

Farnsworth: I do!

[They all cheer and the episode plays out with a riff from Cream's Sunshine Of Your Love.]
[Closing Credits.]