Transcript:The Why of Fry

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Transcript for
The Why of Fry
Written byDavid X. Cohen
Transcribed byThe Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Dancing Space Potatoes? You Bet!]
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg sits in a bathtub and Amy sits at the table reading Martians Are From Mars, Venusians Are From Venus. Enter Fry wearing his red spacesuit.]

Fry: Delivery boy Philip J. Fry, reporting for duty.

Zoidberg: Dr. Zoidberg, soaking in brine.

[He relaxes and blows brine through his blowhole. It splatters on Amy but she doesn't notice.]

Fry: What is the meaning of this? We've got a delivery, people. Let's move! Let's move! [Amy and Zoidberg hop to it. Zoidberg woops.] Amy? Mission profile? [She hands him a card and he moves it backwards and forwards. The card is a hologram of a stick person handing a parcel to a dragon.] Interesting, interesting. Dr. Zoidberg, mission bag?

Zoidberg: Packed and ready, sir.

[Fry takes the brown bag from him and takes something out.]

Fry: What's this? This is the same toy surprise I got last time! [He throws it back at Zoidberg.] I can't work under these conditions. And without me there is no mission. I am the mission!

[The ship lands and Bender and Leela walk out.]

Leela: [shouting] We're back from the mission!

[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Fry leans over the railings.]

Fry: Wh-What? You went without me?

[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]

Bender: [shouting] You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time.

Fry: But-- But I'm the delivery boy.

[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]

Leela: Don't worry. Everything went fine.

Bender: Better than usual!

Leela: We got medals! Good work, team! We really pulled together on this one.

[Bender cheers and they bump each other. Fry looks on sadly.]

Zoidberg: [whispering] They got medals.

[Scene: Planet Express: Locker Room. Leela blow-dries her hair and Bender brushes his eyes with a toothbrush. Fry sits on the bench.]

Fry: I'm real sorry I missed the mission. I wasn't there and you might have needed me.

Bender: Nope.

Fry: But if I'd been there I--

Bender: Nope.

Fry: Look--

Bender: Nope.

Fry: Bender's great--

Bender: Nope!

[He groans.]

Fry: Listen, Leela, let me make it up by taking you out to dinner tonight.

Leela: Nope. [She closes her locker door.] I've got a date with Chaz.

Fry: Chaz?

Leela: I met him at that charity cock fight last week. He's the mayor's aide.

Bender: Ooh! You go, mutant girl!

[He whips her with his towel.]

Leela: I do go! He's a very important man.

Fry: So? I'm just as important as him. [Leela and Bender stare.] It's just that, the kind of importance I have ... it doesn't matter if I [quietly] don't do it.

[He hunches over. Bender hangs his towel over him and blowtorches under his armpit.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender and Fry sit on the couch. Fry sighs and strokes Nibbler.]

Fry: I'm nobody. There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.

Bender: Ah, buck up, meatloaf. Bender'll take you out tonight and cheer you up. What do you wanna do? And I mean anything. You have the power! Name it and I'm there. You the man!

Fry: Um, OK. Let's go bowling.

Bender: Nah.

[He puts his feet up and turns the TV on.]
[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine Foyer. Chaz holds open the door for Leela and they pass a sign that says "Bathroom Is For Stroganoff Customers Only". Enter Elzar.]

Elzar: Table for two? Step right this way.

Chaz: I'm afraid we don't have a reservation but, uh, as you can see ... [He pulls out his badge.] ... I'm the mayor's aide. Table for two, please.

[Elzar stares.]

Elzar: OK then.

[Scene: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Elzar seats Chaz and Leela. Two chefs run out from the kitchen chasing a cockroach. It runs onto a table and Elzar whacks it with a piece of bread.]

Elzar: Bam!

Chaz: It's OK, my man. I got you covered on your next health inspection.

Elzar: I really appreciate that, mister mayor's aide. [He wipes the cockroach off the bread and puts it down on the table.] Here you go. Compliments of the house.

Leela: Wow! Free bread at a restaurant? Is there anything you can't do?

Chaz: I can't fail the mayor. Not ever.

[Leela sighs, lovestruck.]
[Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry sits at a table, drinking "Shiz". He sees Leela and Chaz walk in and covers one side of his face with his hand.]

Fry: Oh, jeez! Better not let Leela see me.

Leela: Hey, I hear Fry. [She walks over to him.] Boy, am I glad you're here.

Fry: You are? So things aren't working out with whatshisname?

Leela: Actually ... they are! Confidentially, I might not make it back to my apartment tonight! Could you walk Nibbler for me?

[She hands him her key.]

Fry: Um ... uh...

Leela: And bring a baggy in case he drops a steamer. [shouting] Have a great night!

[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry walks down the empty street with Nibbler. Nibbler spies a lamppost and sniffs around it.]

Fry: Oh, no! Please! No! [The ground shakes as Nibbler drops one.] Perfect!

[Fry puts the bag over his hand and tries to lift the dark matter but struggles. He hears a siren and sees a flashing red light. Smitty and URL approach him, the siren and light on URL's head. Smitty wafts the air.]

Smitty: Whoa! Smells like a 289 in progress.

URL: Failure to scoop. Aw, yeah!

[He prints off a ticket.]

Fry: Wait! I'm trying. It weighs as much as a thousand suns.

[He struggles with it some more. URL hands him the ticket. Chaz's car pulls up beside them.]

Chaz: [shouting] Don't worry, Fry. I'll pull some strings -- see if I can't get you tried as a juvenile.

Leela: Oh, Chaz!

[She hugs him and they drive off. Fry sighs.]
[Scene: Alley.]

Fry: I'm as worthless as this trash can.

[He kicks it over and sits down against a wall.]

Trash Can: You think I'm as worthless as you? Try catching garbage in your head and raising six kids, you dumb townie!

[It rolls away. Garbage falls on Fry from a chute above him marked "Zoo Garbage".]

Fry: Oh, Nibbler, at least I'm important to you. Even if it's only 'cause I clean up you poop.

Nibbler: The poop eradication is but one aspect of your importance.

[Fry nods then realises Nibbler has just spoken. He screams.]

Fry: D-D-Did you just talk?

Nibbler: Indeed. And I have other amazing powers as well.

Fry: Like what?

[He punches Fry and knocks him unconscious.]
[Time Lapse. Nibbler pulls his spaceship out from its hideaway and drags Fry into it. He comes around.]

Fry: Are you my mommy?

Nibbler: Negative.

[He closes the roof and takes off.]
[Scene: Planet Eternium. Caption: "Inconceivable Dimensions Not Shown". Nibbler lands his ship outside the Hall of Eternity.]
[Scene: Hall of Eternity.]

Fiona: Welcome, Lord Nibbler.

Nibbler: Welcome acknowledged. I bring with me ... the Mighty One.

[Fry wipes his nose on his sleeve.]

Fry: Eh?

Ken: At last, our centuries upon centuries of waiting have achieved fruition.

Fry: Aw! Aren't you a fuzzy wittle guy?

[He tickles Ken and he purrs.]

Ken: Stop that! Uh, please. Your Mightiness--

Fry: Mightiness? Are you off your nut? I just got kidnapped by a bunch of guinea pigs.

[The Nibblonians gasp and chatter.]

Ken: Does he not know?

Nibbler: He does not know.

Fiona: He knows not?

Nibbler: Knows not does he.

Nibblonian: Not he know--

Ken: Enough! Fry, it is my duty to inform you that the fate of humanity, the fate of our race, indeed the fate of all that exists and ever will exist rests with you. You are the single most important person in the universe.

Fry: Oh, snap!

[Time Lapse.]

Nibbler: On this auspicious occasion, let the horn of eternity cut a thunderous blast.

[A Nibblonian feebly blows the horn. The floor opens and animals on plates rise up in front of the Nibblonians.]

Fiona: The Feast of a Thousand Beasts is begun.

[They tuck in. Fry leaves his zebra.]

Nibblonian: You gonna eat that?

Fry: Maybe later.

[The table descends back into the floor.]
[Time Lapse.]

Ken: The time has come to discuss matters of the gravest importance.

[He pushes a button and images of the Brain Spawn appear on a screen.]

Nibbler: Fry, do you remember some months ago when the Earth was attacked by flying brains?

Fry: Hmm. I remember the square-dancing stomachs. Although that might have been a Mylanta commercial. Wait! The brains! I do remember! But no one else does. They said I was crazy.

Ken: On the contrary. You remember because you were the only one immune to the Brains' mental attack.

Fry: Because I'm so smart?

[The Nibblonians laugh.]

Ken: Oh, my. Anyway, your immunity is due to the fact that you lack the delta brainwave. [He presses a button and an image of Fry trying to eat a pineapple on a rope comes up on the screen.] It's a genetic abnormality which resulted when you went back in time and performed certain actions which made you your own grandfather.

Fry: I did do the nasty in the past-y!

Nibbler: Verily. And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe.

Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Ken: Yes. Except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.

[Fiona shakes her head.]
[Scene: Nibblonian Spacecraft.]

Nibbler: For a thousand years, the evil Brains have been constructing the Infosphere, a giant memory bank twice the size of three ordinary memory banks.

Fry: What's so evil about that?

Fiona: They plan to collect all the information in the universe and store it in the sphere.

Fry: So they're trying to learn things?

Fiona: Right.

Fry: Those bastards!

Nibbler: Being Brains, they feel compelled to know everything. And soon they will.

Fry: I'm as mad as I've ever been.

Ken: Once their task is complete, they will ensure that no new information arises in the only way possible: By destroying the universe.

Fry: Now it's personal.

Fiona: Your mission is to infiltrate the Infosphere and plant this quantum-interface bomb, blasting them into an alternate universe from which there is no return.

Nibbler: Then outrun the blast on this Scooty-Puff Jr.

[He winds the key in the back of the Scooty-Puff Jr. Fiona attaches the bomb to Fry's spacesuit.]

Fry: OK, let's go through this once more--

[The Nibblonians open the airlock and Fry is blown out into space.]
[Cut to: Outside Infosphere. Fry screams and rides the Scooty-Puff Jr. towards the Infosphere. A swarm of Brains Spawn fly past him and one hits him on the head. He screams again.]

Fry: Brains!

[Ken appears on Fry's arm communicator.]

Ken: [on screen] Fear not, Mighty One. Your missing brainwave makes you invisible to them, so long as you avoid intense thinking.

Fry: Sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.

Ken: [on screen] That is most wise.

Fry: Who?

Ken: [on screen] In a few seconds, the Brain will finish scanning the last bits of information in the universe.

[Brains float past a data port and it scans their information.]

Infosphere: [scanning data] Beavers mate for life; 11 greater than 4; for quality carpets, visit Kaplan's carpet warehouse.

[The scanning ends.]

Ken: [on screen] Now the Infosphere will open its protective crust so as to scan itself, completing its thousand year task.

[The Infosphere opens and a scanner comes out. It slowly rotates around the Infosphere, scanning as it goes and making a noise like a modem.]

Fiona: [on screen] This is your one chance to enter the sphere. Scoot! Scoot now!

[Fry scoots through the Infosphere crust.]
[Cut to: Infosphere. The place is swarming with Brains and in the centre of the sphere is a huge master Brain. Fry scoots towards it and crashes into it. He spits then clips a strap to the Scooty-Puff Jr. and puts it over his shoulder. He climbs to the top where there is a computer console.]

Fry: I'm at the input console. I'm a little nervous and I've got brain in my buttcrack.

Nibbler: [on screen] Roger.

[Fry attaches the bomb to the console.]

Ken: [on screen] Once you press the detonator, you will have 60 seconds for an exciting escape.

[Fry is about to push the button but hesitates.]

Fry: Hey, wait. This brain knows everything about everything, right?

Ken: [on screen] It will soon. That's why you're supposed to be setting off a bomb.

Fry: Yeah, yeah. But I can't pass up a chance to learn the answers to the greatest questions of all time. [He speaks into the console.] Is it true that postage stamp glue is made of--

Huge Brain: Correct. Toad mucus.

[On the console screen is a video clip of a postman squeezing a toad so mucus drips into a bucket.]

Ken: [on screen] There's no time for this. Activate the bomb.

Fry: Wait, wait, wait. [He speaks into the console.] What really killed the dinosaurs?

Huge Brain: Me!

[On the screen is a video clip of the Brain flying over the dinosaurs and killing them. "Unauthorized Data Access" appears on the screen.]

Computer Voice: Unauthorized data access.

[An alarm goes off and Brains surround Fry. He screams and winds his Scooty-Puff Jr. but it falls apart in his hands.]

Fry: Uh-oh!

Big Brain: Detecting trace amounts of mental activity. Possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer.

[The Brains zap Fry.]

Fry: Ew! Gross. Cut it out!

Brain #1: Odd. He is immune to our psionic attack.

Brain #2: Impossible! We're an ambitious young squad with everything to prove.

Big Brain: It appears we are in the presence of the fabled one. But without his Scooty-Puff Jr., he cannot escape. [It chuckles. Fry picks up the bomb.] Huh?

Brain #2: A quantum-interface bomb? Are you insane in the membrane?

Fry: You got it, poindexter!

[He presses the detonator and electricity begins to engulf the Huge Brain.]

Brain #1: Oh, not good!

Computer Voice: Detonation in T-60 Earth seconds.

Brain #3: You fool! You'll be transported to the other universe with us. Trapped there for all eternity.

Brain #1: And we'll form a tightly-knit clique that you won't be part of!

Fry: Well at least I did one important thing with my life: Leading good to victory over evil!

[The Nibblonians cheer.]

Nibbler: [on screen] Yay!

Ken: [on screen] Exactly!

Big Brain: The Nibblonians? Good? Ha! During your last moments in this universe perhaps you should query our database concerning the night of December 31st, 1999.

Fry: The day I got frozen? What about it?

Nibbler: [on screen] No! Don't ask about that! It-It would be, uh ... boring!

Fry: Ah, forget it then.

Big Brain: Query!

Fry: OK! Sheesh! What happened to me, Philip J. Fry, on the night of December 31st, 1999?

Huge Brain: Clarification request: Are you the Philip J. Fry from Earth or the Philip J. Fry from Hovering Squidworld 97A?

Big Brain: Earth, you fat idiot! Hurry up!

[On the console screen, Fry walks into the cryogenics lab.]

Fry: [on screen] Hello? Pizza delivery for ... [He reads the note.] ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud!

Fry: Eurgh! I can't believe how fat I look! [On the screen, Fry blows his noise maker and leans back on his chair. Nibbler walks out from underneath the desk.] Aw, Nibbler's there. Wait! What?

[On the screen, Nibbler blows Fry's tilting chair. Fry loses his balance and the chair tips back. He rolls back into the cryo-freezer.]

Fry: [on screen] What the--

[He panics and tube freezes him.]

Fry: I-- I don't understand. You made me go in the freezer tube?

Computer Voice: Detonation in T-15 seconds.

Fry: You little runts froze me! You took away my life!

Nibbler: [on screen] We can explain!

Fry: No, you can't. Shut your adorable trap!

Nibbler: [on screen] We had no choice. You were the only one who could help us. What is one life weighed against the entire universe?

Fry: [crying] But it was my life.

Computer Voice: Detonation in two, one. Will the owner of a white Pontiac Firebird-- Oh, never mind. Zero!

[Scene: Outside Infosphere. The bomb explodes and the Infosphere is sucked into the alternate universe.]
[Scene: Infosphere. It reappears in the alternate universe.]

Big Brain: Well, here we are. Trapped for eternity.

Brain #2: We could sing American Pie.

Fry: Go ahead. I deserve it. I wish those stupid racoons had never brought me to the future.

Huge Brain: I have shocking data relevant to this conversation.

Big Brain: We don't care, you dope! We're in another universe. You're not in charge anymore.

Huge Brain: It is possible for the Philip Fry to resume his life on December 31st, 1999.

Fry: Really? I can go back in time?

[An image appears on the console.]

Huge Brain: There is a nexus point between universes at the space-time where you entered the cryogenic tube. You and only you can return there.

Big Brain: Interesting. You could stop the Nibblonian from pushing you into the cryogenic tube.

Fry: That is interesting. Why?

Big Brain: It would be as if you never came to the future. You will have your life back and we will succeed in our plan to understand and destroy the universe.

Fry: Everybody wins!

Brain #2: The human will be returned to the past!

[Scene: Outside Rocket Skating Rink.]

Narrator: [voice-over] Meanwhile.

Leela: I love rocket skating! But the wait is always so long. Poor Fry once stood in line for six hours just to get me a ticket.

Chaz: Six hours? Pft! Sounds like a real nobody! But now it's time for somebody and some chick he's with to go skating.

[He shows Leela a "Closed For Private Function" sign. She gasps.]
[Cut to: Rocket Skating Rink.]

Leela: You reserved the whole rink?

Chaz: Yup. Buzzed ahead, let 'em know whose aide was coming by. The mayor's, that's whose.

Leela: Oh, Chaz!

[She kisses him.]
[Time Lapse. Leela and Chaz skate around the rink. The kids from the Cookieville Orphanarium look on sadly.]

Sally: Mr. Vogel, I thought we was going skating.

Vogel: No, we're not important enough. Everybody just hold hands until the bus driver comes back from his haircut.

[Leela sees the orphans.]

Leela: Aw, let's let those kids skate with us.

Chaz: What? Seriously? I'm trying to impress you with my clout here.

Leela: I know, and it's working. But think how much skating would mean to those kids.

Nina: We came here instead of eating today.

Leela: This may be their only chance to skate in their whole lives. Who are we to say they can't?

Chaz: The mayor's aide, and his badge. [shouting] Beat it, kids! Come back when you got connections!

[The kids look away sadly.]

Vogel: Alright, little ones, back to the orphanarium. You can slide around the gym in your socks.

Sally: What socks?

Chaz: So am I gonna get lucky tonight or what?

[Leela snatches his badge away from him and stuffs it in his mouth.]
[Scene: Infosphere. The Huge Brain types something into to the console. It holds Fry in place.]

Fry: I hope your calculations are correct.

Big Brain: Our calculations are always correct. For we are gigantic brains.

Brain #2: Initiate space-time transfer.

[The Huge Brain throws a switch and the console zaps Fry and makes him go wobbly. He disappears.]
[Scene: New York Street. In a telephone box, Nibbler makes a phone call.]

Nibbler: I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza.

Panucci: [on phone] One pie, nothing good on it. Name?

Nibbler: I-period-C-period-Wiener.

Panucci: [on phone] Uh, talk a little louder. It sounds like you got some kind of tiny head on you or something.

[Scene: Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Nibbler paces around under the desk. Fry walks in through the door with the pizza.]

Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for, uh ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud!

[Fry from the future appears behind Nibbler and grabs him.]

Fry: Gotcha!

[Nibbler squeals.]

Nibbler: I don't understand.

Fry: Yes, you do! You came back in time to knock me into that freezer and now I came back in time to stop you.

Nibbler: I did not come back in time. My people lack that ability.

Fry: But ... I know you in the future. I-I cleaned your poop.

Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers. You will meet me when I'm a thousand years older.

Fry: Not if you don't freeze me.

[His past self sits down on the chair and puts his feet up on the desk.]

Nibbler: Please. Our saviours foresee that in a thousand years, for one moment, the fate of the universe will depend on you. Since you will not live that long I must freeze you now.

Fry: Well, why couldn't you just ask me?

Nibbler: We were afraid you would refuse.

Fry: Of course not. I love the future.

Nibbler: Then why are you choking me right now?

Fry: Because I don't like being used.

Nibbler: Well now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving?

Fry: Hm. Leela. But she doesn't think much of me.

Nibbler: Ah, she must be The Other.

Fry: What?

[The chair starts to tip back and Fry holds the leg.]

Nibbler: You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Vergon 6. But, if you return to the future, I will transfer to Earth to give you what help I can.

[Outside, the countdown to the millennium begins.]

Crowd: [chanting; from outside] Ten, nine, eight, seven...

Fry: You really think I would have had a chance with Leela?

Nibbler: You must choose: The present or the future? To save yourself or to save Leela.

Crowd: [chanting; from outside] One.

[Past Fry leans back on his chair and blows his noise maker. Future Fry blows the chair and Past Fry tumbles back into the cryo-tube which freezes him.]

Fry: Yes! Here I come, future! Oh, no! Wait! I'm gonna get trapped in the Infosphere again! Just remember that Scooty-Puff Jr. sucks.

[He fades away.]

Nibbler: In a thousand years, I'll get right on it.

[Scene: Outside Infosphere. The bomb explodes and the Infosphere is sucked into the alternate universe.]

Narrator: [voice-over] And so, a thousand years later, Fry once again infiltrated the Infosphere and set off his amazing bomb. Only this time...

[Fry speeds away from the Infosphere on his huge Scooty-Puff Sr.]
[Scene: Alley. Nibbler's ship lands and Fry and Nibbler climb out.]

Nibbler: Thank you for saving the universe, Fry. [He picks a flower and hands it to Fry.] Here.

Fry: Whoa, thanks! If you ever need a saviour again, just ask.

Nibbler: Oh, we will. We will.

[He shuts his ship away and puts his leash on.]

Fry: Man, I can't wait to tell everyone what happened.

Nibbler: Uh, yes. Incidentally, I need to remain undercover so I'm blanking your memory.

[His third eye flashes like the memory-eraser in Men In Black and Fry looks dazed.]

Fry: Huh. Did everything just taste purple for a second? Oh, well. Let's go home, you dumb poop machine.

[Nibbler chatters.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela holds up a photo of her and Chaz.]

Leela: Bender, would you do the honours?

Bender: With gusto.

[He burps and scorches a hole in the photo. Leela looks at it, satisfied. Chaz's head has been burnt away. The door opens and Fry's face appears in the hole.]

Fry: Hey, Leela. I guess I got this for you.

[He hands her the flower.]

Leela: Oh. Thank you. You know what, Fry? I don't care if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now.

Fry: Then I am the most important person in the universe.

[She kisses him.]
[Closing Credits.]

Fry: [over credits] Yes!