Difference between revisions of "Transcript:Bender's Big Score Part 1"

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|for=Bender's Big Score Part 1
|for=Bender's Big Score Part 1
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|written by=[[Ken Keeler]]
|thanks to=''Red_Line'' and ''Neosmith92''
|thanks to=''Red_Line'', ''Neosmith92'' and ''Quolnok''
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next film=The Beast with a Billion Backs
}}
}}
:''[Opening Credits. Caption: It just won't stay dead!]''


:''[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]''
:''[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]''
Line 31: Line 34:
'''[[Amy]] [While combing her long hair]''': Here!  
'''[[Amy]] [While combing her long hair]''': Here!  


[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]  
:''[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]''


'''Hermes (VO)''': Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.  
'''Hermes (VO)''': Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.  


''[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]''
:''[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]''


'''[[Zoidberg]]''': Huh? I thought it was mine!  
'''[[Zoidberg]]''': Huh? I thought it was mine!  
Line 67: Line 70:
:''[Farnsworth hangs up]''
:''[Farnsworth hangs up]''


'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.  
'''Farnsworth''': Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence.  


'''Staff''': Woohoo!  
'''Staff''': Woohoo!  
Line 85: Line 88:
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, it's got a million and one uses.  
'''Farnsworth''': Oh, it's got a million and one uses.  


:''[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder” in his trousers]''  
:''[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder" in his trousers]''  


'''Farnsworth''': Ahhh, that soothes the fire.  
'''Farnsworth''': Ahhh, that soothes the fire.  
Line 127: Line 130:
:''[Hermes rips off his shirt]''
:''[Hermes rips off his shirt]''


'''Hermes''': Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabers.  
'''Hermes''': Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres.  


:''[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabers hanging above a fireplace]''
:''[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabres hanging above a fireplace]''


'''Bender''': Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.  
'''Bender''': Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.  
Line 150: Line 153:


:''[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]''
:''[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]''
:''[An ambulance goes down the street]''
:''[Opening Credits. Caption: It just won't stay dead!]''
Featuring:
Phillip J. Fry [Fry looks at the screen and smiles, one of his teeth fall out]
Turanga Leela [Leela blows smoke off a laser]
Bender Rodriguez [Bender rides up a cliff on a horse]
Amy Wong [Amy dances to the Futurama theme]
Dr. John Zoidberg [Zoidberg clicks his claws to the Futurama theme]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth [Farnsworth looks around, then walks offscreen]
Hermes Conrad [Hermes stamps a big "File under: RENEWED" stamp onto the screen]
And introducing Zylex [A yellow monster with big yellow teeth is shown]


:''[Scene: Head museum]''
:''[Scene: Head museum]''
Line 259: Line 240:
'''Bender''': So long, jerk.
'''Bender''': So long, jerk.


:'':''[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]''
:''['''Advertisement''': Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an oval.]''
 
<poem>'''Announcer''': [voice-over] ''Futurama'' is brought to you by ... ''[The oval zooms back into a corner and is replaced by a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.]'' ... Torgo's Executive Powder. ''[cut to cutouts of human heads and shoulders going into a grinder, producing pink powder]'' Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption.</poem>
 
:''[Scene: a woman shakes some Torgo's Executive Powder into a toilet, then flushes]''
 
<poem>'''[[Torgo's Jingle Singer]]''': [singing] When your toilet smells like faeces,
from some disgusting species;
make it take a powder,
with Torgo's!</poem>
 
:''[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]''


'''Leela''': It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.  
'''Leela''': It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.  
Line 279: Line 271:
:''[Fry gags]''
:''[Fry gags]''


:'':''[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all maner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]''
:'':''[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all manner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]''


'''Bender''': You know, it's funny.  
'''Bender''': You know, it's funny.  
Line 285: Line 277:
'''Fry''': What?  
'''Fry''': What?  


'''Bender''': Your wiener!  
'''Bender''': Your weiner!  


'''Farnsworth''': Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?  
'''Farnsworth''': Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?  
Line 295: Line 287:
'''Bender''': Yeah, I'll go.  
'''Bender''': Yeah, I'll go.  


'''Fry''': You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.:''[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]'''Fry''': Here's your package, sir.  
'''Fry''': You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.
 
:''[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]
 
'''Fry''': Here's your package, sir.  


'''Bartender''': Why are you talking to my penis?  
'''Bartender''': Why are you talking to my penis?  
Line 361: Line 357:
'''[[Leela's Wrist Thingy]]''': You've got spam.  
'''[[Leela's Wrist Thingy]]''': You've got spam.  


'''Leela''': Spam, spam, junk. The very last pygmy rhino is going extinct? Unless it gets my credit card number?
'''Leela''': Spam, spam, junk.


'''Amy''': Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.  
'''Amy''': Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.  
Line 379: Line 375:
:''[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]''
:''[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]''


'''Bender''': Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe. ''[reading]'' Scientists at West Johnson Pornoversity need test subjects to rate top quality roborotica. Ooh, top-quality.  
'''Bender''': Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe.  


:''[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]''  
:''[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]''  
Line 395: Line 391:
'''Zoidberg''': Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.  
'''Zoidberg''': Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.  


'''Amy''': That's so sad. When will those antidepressants get here?  
'''Amy''': When will those antidepressants get here?  


'''Zoidberg''': Wait, there's more. According to this e-mail, I, Zoidberg, am his next of kin. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.  
'''Zoidberg''': Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.  


:''[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]''
:''[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]''
Line 414: Line 410:
:'':''[Scene: conference table.]''
:'':''[Scene: conference table.]''


'''Farnsworth''': Now, it's not hard to spot a phony Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phony. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phony. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?  
'''Farnsworth''': Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?  


'''Leela''': No, it's a scam!  
'''Leela''': No, it's a scam!  


'''Farnsworth''': Yes, yes, a scam. My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.  
'''Farnsworth''': My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.  


'''Hermes''': Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!  
'''Hermes''': Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!  
Line 442: Line 438:
'''Farnsworth''': Hwhaa?  
'''Farnsworth''': Hwhaa?  


'''Bender''': I'll deal with these guys. Welcome, boss.  
'''Bender''': Welcome, boss.  


'''Nudar''': Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.  
'''Nudar''': Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.  
Line 480: Line 476:
:''[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]''
:''[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]''


'''Bender''': Those marvelous scammers sure scammed us, huh?  
'''Bender''': Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh?  


'''Leela''': How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?  
'''Leela''': How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?  
Line 501: Line 497:


'''Bender''': It's a fake place.  
'''Bender''': It's a fake place.  
'''Hermes''': Cut to the chase, baldy. When do I get my me back?
'''Lars''': Well, it could be months, or even years.


'''Hermes''': No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?  
'''Hermes''': No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?  
Line 600: Line 592:
'''Fry''': I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?  
'''Fry''': I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?  


'''Leela''': Well, for one thing, his checkbook doesn't have the Hulk on it.  
'''Leela''': Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it.  


:''[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]''
:''[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]''
Line 622: Line 614:
'''Fry''': What the hell are you talking about?  
'''Fry''': What the hell are you talking about?  


:''[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tatoo of Bender smoking a cigar]''
:''[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tattoo of Bender smoking a cigar]''


:''[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]  
:''[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]  
Line 633: Line 625:


'''Bender''': What do you say, folks? Hot or not?  
'''Bender''': What do you say, folks? Hot or not?  
'''Nudar''': I'm not seeing any information. Do more things!


:''[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]''
:''[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]''
Line 660: Line 650:
'''Fry''': It was bound to be somewhere.  
'''Fry''': It was bound to be somewhere.  


'''Schlump''':: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.  
'''Schlump''': Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.  


'''Nudar''': And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!
'''Nudar''': And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!
Line 679: Line 669:


'''Nibbler''': I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.  
'''Nibbler''': I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.  
'''Amy''': Oh, he's so adorable.


'''Schlump''': The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.  
'''Schlump''': The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.  
Line 723: Line 711:
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|prev ep=The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next ep=Bender's Big Score Part 2
|next film  =The Beast with a Billion Backs
}}
}}

Latest revision as of 18:30, 8 March 2012

Transcript for
Bender's Big Score Part 1
Written byKen Keeler
Transcribed byRed_Line, Neosmith92 and Quolnok


[Opening Credits. Caption: It just won't stay dead!]
[An owl flies over the Planet Express building, then under through a tunnel, to where the ship is.]

Hermes (VO): Planet Express delivery company roll call! Captain Turanga Leela!

[Leela walks into the view carrying Nibbler]

Leela: Here!

Hermes (VO): Delivery boy, first class, Philip J. Fry!

[Nibbler spits out Fry]

Fry: Here!

Hermes (VO): Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriguez!

Bender: Here! [Falls on Fry and Leela from above] Cerveza, por favor.

[Leela pops open a bottle of beer with her teeth and hands it to Bender]

Hermes (VO): Long-term intern, Amy Wong.

Amy [While combing her long hair]: Here!

[Her long hair is burned off by Bender's flaming burp]

Hermes (VO): Company physician, Dr. John A. Zoidberg.

[Zoidberg pokes his head out of the fridge, with a sandwhich in his mouth, and holding a bag with the words "Fry's lunch" on it]

Zoidberg: Huh? I thought it was mine!

Hermes (VO): Bureaucrat Grade 34, Hermes Conrad

Hermes: Is who I am. And now I am proud to present the owner and founder of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth!

[Hermes steps out of the way]

Farnsworth: You're all fired.

Hermes: Sweet bongo of the Congo!

Farnsworth: In fact, you were fired two years ago! That's when we were shut down by the delivery network.

[Cut to "BOX" Network, with the B flickering to look like an F]

Farnsworth (VO): Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network canceled our license.

[In an office, A grey haired man speaks in gibberish, a woman claps her elbows together, and a blond haired man hits himself in the eye]

Fry: We were canceled?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's terrible. Just terrible. Well, clear out your desks and move along. Chop-chop.

[A phone rings and Farnsworth picks it up]

Farnsworth: Yes? I see.

[Farnsworth hangs up]

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who cancelled us were themselves fired for incompetence.

Staff: Woohoo!

Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too. And pretty badly.

Staff: Woo!

Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.

Staff: Woo? [Bender laughs]

Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.

Fry: Why?

Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.

[Farnsworth puts some "Torgo's Executive Powder" in his trousers]

Farnsworth: Ahhh, that soothes the fire.

[Leela stands behind a bunch of fans, blowing air at her]

Leela: So what does this mean for us and our many fans?

Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!

[The staff look at him blankly]

Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!

Staff: Woooohoooo!

Bender: We're back, baby!

[Crew parties. Bender is limboing]

All: Party! Go, go, go!

Cubert: Lower, lawn mower!

Hermes: What's the matter, robot? You got a rod up your spine?

Bender: Yes, I do. That's how I'm built.

All: Hooray.

Fry: Way to bend it!

Bender: You're the greatest, Bender!

Hermes: In Jamaica, we got 10-story office buildings lower than that.

Leela: Let's see you beat it, Rastaman.

Staff: Ooooohh...

[Hermes rips off his shirt]

Hermes: Let's make it interesting. Fetch down one of them sabres.

[Fry and Leela fetch down one of the sabres hanging above a fireplace]

Bender: Oh, flexible. That would go good up my spine.

[Scruffy changes the music to a Jamaican version of the "Sabre Dance" as Hermes easily limbos under the sword]

Hermes: Lower.

[Hermes limbos under the sword again, and the sword cuts the tip of his belly]

Bender: The fat guy wins!

Fry: Go, Hermes!

Hermes: That's why they call me 11-inch Conrad.

[The remaining sword hanging from the fireplace drops down, cutting Hermes' head from his neck.]

Scruffy: Oh, no.

[Hermes' body then proceeds to stumble around, fall of the ledge and hit the ship's landing gear. The ship then crushes him.]
[Scene: Head museum]

Fry: Can you save Hermes, Dr. Goodensexy?

Dr. Cahill: I told you, my name is Dr. Cahill.

[Hermes' head is sitting on a pedestal]

Hermes: Figures I'd get mangled while the blonde bimbo's on duty.

Dr. Cahill: I'm a doctor, sir. The mere fact that I'm blonde and have a breathy voice, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body doesn't make me a bimbo.

Zoidberg: Tell me about it.

Hermes: I think we've all learned a thing or two about sexual stereotypes. While my head's slowly dying 'cause I'm not in a jar yet, you bimbo!

Dr. Cahill: Oh, right. Ditzy-witzy! Lars, got another jar job!

[A man wearing a blue shirt with a mustache, beard, and no hair comes thorough the door with a cart]

Lars: Oh, sorry, Doctor. I was disinfecting Courtney Love... Oh, hello.

Leela: What are you looking at? Is it the eye?

Lars: Guilty as charged. It's a nice looking eye, and there's plenty of it.

Leela: Oh. Do I know you?

Lars: Apparently not. Hi. I'm Lars.

Leela: Oh. I'm Leela. Nice to meet you.

Lars: Nice to be met.

Hermes: Pick up ladies on your own time, you shiny-headed goat!

Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged 'cause you're dying. Up and away!

[A machine lifts Hermes' head into a jar, then fills the jar with H2OGfat]

Amy: Lars is so flirting with you.

Leela: He is so not. He's just being polite.

Fry: Who does he think he is, being polite to you? You want me to beat him up?

Leela: No. Stop being so immature.

Fry: I'll show her who's immature.

Fry: "Charles de Gaulle"? Never heard of you.

De Gaulle: I freed France from the Nazis and...

[Fry picks de Gaulle up and dances around with him, while talking in a bad French accent]

Fry: Hey, Leela. I'm some French guy.

Bender: Rock that Frenchman, baby!

[Dwight and LaBarbara come in]

LaBarbara: Oh, my poor little love pirate of the Caribbean!

Hermes: There, there, wife. Everything will be all--

LaBarbara: Okay, look, Hermes, we got to think of the boy. He needs a daddy.

Hermes: He has a daddy!

LaBarbara: No, he got two half-daddies. Will his body be all right?

Dr. Cahill: Yes, but it may take a few days.

LaBarbara: No, not soon enough. Come, Dwight, let's find you a handsome new father.

Hermes: LaBarbara, no!

Bender: It's okay, Hermes. We're all here for you.

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We've got a delivery to the nude beach planet.

Staff: Woohoo!

Bender: So long, jerk.

[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an oval.]

Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval zooms back into a corner and is replaced by a can of Torgo's Executive Powder.] ... Torgo's Executive Powder. [cut to cutouts of human heads and shoulders going into a grinder, producing pink powder] Only Torgo's packs the power of five highly paid television executives into every can for maxim odour absorption.

[Scene: a woman shakes some Torgo's Executive Powder into a toilet, then flushes]

Torgo's Jingle Singer: [singing] When your toilet smells like faeces,
from some disgusting species;
make it take a powder,
with Torgo's!

[Scene: The PE ship takes off from the hanger of the PE building.]

Leela: It feels great to be back at the wheel after two long years.

Fry: That's not the wheel.

[Leela is holding a French horn. The ship plunges into a planet's atmosphere in front of three suns and into some water. A moment later the ship flies out of the water and lands on a nearby cliff, overlooking the nude beach]

Leela: It's nice out.

[The crew starts stripping down]

Fry: "You must be at least this naked"? How much nakeder could you be?

Zoidberg: Watch and learn.

[Zoidberg strips out his shell and warbles around]
[Fry gags]
:[Scene: Nude beach crowded with all manner of life forms. The crew are sitting on lounge chairs]

Bender: You know, it's funny.

Fry: What?

Bender: Your weiner!

Farnsworth: Well, I'm going in the water to prune up a bit before I strut. Who's with me?

Amy: I'm in!

Leela: I'm in.

Bender: Yeah, I'll go.

Fry: You guys go ahead. I gotta find the bartender and deliver this box of barstool softener.

[Scene: outdoor bar on beach]

Fry: Here's your package, sir.

Bartender: Why are you talking to my penis?

Fry: Oh, sorry. Sign here.

Bartender: Mind if I use your pen?

Fry: Well, that's not a...

[The bartender uses fry's "pen" to sign, Fry screams OC]

Fry: And initial here. [screams again OC]

Fry: Thank you for using Planet Express.

Leela: Hey, Fry, I didn't know you had a tattoo of Bender on your ass.

Fry: Me neither.

Bender: You got a tattoo of me? Neat. It's like looking in a smelly mirror.

Farnsworth: So he's got a little ink. Big whoop.

[Farnsworth walks away with a big tattoo on his back saying "THUG LIFE"]
:[Scene: Bender in a beach chair. Solar panels deploy from his head]

Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth.

Nudar: Sir, would you care to sign our petition?

Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.

Nudar: That's just what the guys who oppose the things you support want you to do.

Bender: Really? Down with those guys!

Fleb: And we'll need your e-mail address.

Bender: Hmm, they say you shouldn't give out your e-mail address.

Nudar: Right. That's just what those same guys say.

Bender: Them again?

[Bender signs "Bender@iloveBender.com" under "awong76@marslink.com" and "zoidberg@freemail.net"]
[The nude aliens are over by Leela and Amy]

Leela: I don't quite understand what this petition's about.

Schlump:: Animals?

[Leela signs the petition]

Schlump:: And your e-mail address.

Leela: You won't send me any spam, will you?

Nudar: Oh, no, no, no, no. Asterisk.

:[Scene: Planet express lounge. The crew are checking their e-mails]

Leela's Wrist Thingy: You've got spam.

Leela: Spam, spam, junk.

Amy: Spam. Spam. "Hi. How are you?" Oh, that must be from Kiffy.

Amy's computer: Hi, how are you? Low, low prices on erectile dysfunction remedies, sleeping pills, old-person drugs, and antidepressants.

Amy: Antidepressants? Well, I certainly don't want to get depressed.

Amy's computer: Please enter credit card number.

[Amy takes out a wad of cash]

Amy: Is cash okay?

[The computer literally sucks up the wad of cash]
[Bender is checking his e-mail inside of his head]

Bender: Porn. Porn. Free porn. Get rich watching porn? I find that rather hard to believe.

[A "Scan for virus?" alert pops up]

Bender: Warning, perform virus scan? I'm waiting for porn over here.

[Bender repeatedly clicks "No"]

Bender: Oh, yeah, come on, baby.

[A virus downloads itself into Bender, and he starting babbling nonsense]
[Zoidberg scuttles in]

Zoidberg: Friends, friends! His Majesty Prince Adisaraki O. Zoidberg of Nigeria died.

Amy: When will those antidepressants get here?

Zoidberg: Wait, there's more. Once I wire some good-faith money to an overseas bank account, I'll inherit his kingdom, his canoe, and his plump young wife.

[Hermes is sitting in a jar, which is being used as an umbrella stand]

Hermes: You dumb stumps. Don't you realize you're being scammed?

Zoidberg: That is low, Hermes. Just because you don't have a body, you don't want anyone else to be prince of Nigeria. Well, try and stop me from wiring that money.

[Zoidberg whoops and scuttles out, and runs into Farnsworth]

Farnsworth: What's going on here? According to my illegal key logging software, you've all been giving out personal information over the Internet. If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all. Hermes: I am here!

Farnsworth: Quiet, you. In his absence, I'm calling a mandatory company security seminar. To the mandatorium!

:[Scene: conference table.]

Farnsworth: Now, it's not hard to spot a phoney Internet come-on. "Get rich quick x7 q"? Phoney. "Lose weight with space parasites"? Phoney. What's this? I've won the Spanish National Lottery?

Leela: No, it's a scam!

Farnsworth: My goodness, I'm rich! And to think I didn't even know I had a ticket. I just need to wire some collateral to collect the winnings.

Hermes: Professor, stop! You're giving away personal information!

Farnsworth: I can afford to give away anything I want. I've won the Spanish National Lottery.

Amy: No, don't!

Leela: It's a scam!

Hermes: Why won't anybody listen to me?!?

Farnsworth: And my mother's maiden name and her bank account numbers and ... There! I'm rich. Rich. Rich!

[Door bell rings]

Farnsworth: That must be my $400 now. Hello. Or should I say, '"Buenos dias"?

Nudar: Hi. We own your company now.

[He shows Farnsworth the e-contract he just e-signatured]

Farnsworth: Hwhaa?

Bender: Welcome, boss.

Nudar: Guess I was wrong. There was a robot stupid enough to download the obedience virus.

Bender: I sure was. Make a hole, chumps. [Bender gets a red carpet out of his cavity and imitates a trumpet fanfare] Presenting our new masters!

:[Scene: Planet Express hangar, it looks like an office now]

Bender [carrying a stack of crates bigger than he is]: Where shall I put these auto-dialers, kind master?

Nudar: Between the password crank and the spamjaculator. Come on! We've got a whole planet to scam. And bring me some more Gummi Fungus!

Leela: We don't have to stand here and take abuse from a gross nerd.

Amy: Yeah!

Fry: Yeah!

Leela: Hi-yah!

[Leela launches a flying kick at Nudar, but Nudar pulls out a remote control. He turns a knob, and Bender glides over in front of Nudar, blocking the kick]
[Bender chuckles]

Nudar: Now get back to work, you turkeys. Planet Express is still in business. We've got crap loads of quote-unquote merchandise to deliver.

[Fleb puts a paper crown on Zoidberg's head, while Schlump puts some gummi fungus into a jar labeled "ANTI-DEPRESSENTS"]

Fleb: Ship them out, Your Highness.

Zoidberg: Finally, some respect.

[Zoidberg turns around and hands the “anti-depressants” to Amy, who eats one.]

Amy: I feel a little better.

[Scene: Planet Express Lounge]

Bender: Those marvellous scammers sure scammed us, huh?

Leela: How can you just sit there kissing the aliens' butt flaps? Don't you realize you are totally under their control?

Bender: Of course I realize it. Does that mean I can't enjoy it? Boy, were we suckers.

[Lars walks in, carrying a jar with the plate "Hermes Conrad"]

Lars: Greetings, earthlings.

Fry: Oh, hooray. It's handsome Lars and his fabulous jars.

Lars: Hello, everyone who isn't Leela. And a special hello to everyone else.

Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class. How's my body doing?

Lars: Oh, I'm afraid it's behind schedule. The museum got tricked into giving all its funding to something called the Scamming Sciences Institute.

[Bender chuckles]

Bender: It's a fake place.

Hermes: No! That body's the cornerstone of my marriage. What's LaBarbara going to do?

Amy: Spluh! She's going to go back to her first husband.

Zoidberg: Barbados Slim? I love that guy.

Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.

[A box of Bachelor Chow shows Barbados Slim dancing on the cover with his shirt off]

Hermes: He's the only man to ever win Olympic gold medals in both limbo and sex.

Lars: Well, maybe I should get going.

Fry: Yes, I'll show you out.

Amy: No, Leela will show him out.

Leela: No, Leela will show you out. Me. Leela.

[Scene: Planet Express door]

Lars: So your friend, Fry, seems nice. Are you and he dati--?

Leela: Nope.

Lars: Good, because I was maybe thinking of asking you out for dinner.

Leela: Ohhhh. I'll start maybe thinking about saying "Sure, when?"

Lars: Let me maybe give it some thought.

[Both chuckle]

Lars: Tomorrow at 8:00?

Leela: Okay.

[Back at the lounge...]

Fry: It's not fair. I've loved Leela since the day I came to the future. Did I show you the macaroni valentine I made for her?

Amy: Yes.

Fry: Look at it again. I know she thinks I'm immature, but someday I won't be. And deep down in my heart, I know we'll end up together. It's all there in the macaroni.

Leela: Lars asked me out!

[The Leela in the macaroni falls away, and the macaroni fry changes to a sad expression]
[Scene: Planet Express Hangar]

Bender: What are you doing, wonderful masters?

Fleb: Sprunjing for information.

[Nudar sprunjes a wall]

Nudar: Oh! There's something here. I can sprunje it. Robot, tear it open!

Bender: Goody, goody, goody, goody!

[Bender starts hitting the wall with his head]

Zoidberg: What's that thing on your neck?

Nudar: Checking out my sprunjer, huh?

Zoidberg: I guess. What does it do?

Nudar: It's a special sense organ our species possesses. It engorges in the presence of... [moans] Information.

Zoidberg: Lucky you. All I have is a gland that gives off foul odors when I'm bored.

[A quiet spraying sound is heard, then the nudists, Amy, and the Professor all look at Zoidberg and cover their noses]
[Bender finishes beating up the wall with his head]

Bender: Hey, look, a safe!

Farnsworth: That's my safe. I call keep-offsies.

Nudar: No callsies! Open it!

[Bender very gently puts his ear up to the door and turns the combination lock... only to punch right through the door and literally rip it off the wall.]

Fleb: It's a gold mine. Tax forms, Social Security cards. Combination hair, blood and stool samples!

[The nudists start moaning]
[Fry and Leela enter]

Fry: I don't get it. How can you say Lars is more mature than me?

Leela: Well, for one thing, his chequebook doesn't have the Hulk on it.

[The nude aliens walk over to Fry, moaning and all]

Nudar: Who are you?

Fry: Philip J. Fry.

Fleb: Social Security Number 03280810? Stool type, P-negative?

Fry: That's right.

Nudar: I've never detected so much information before. I think it may be a Level 87 code.

[Nibbler, watching from behind a crate, backs off whimpering]

Schumlp: Level 87? Can it be? I thought it was only a legend, but the sprunjer never lies.

Nudar: It's in his pants!

Fry: What the hell are you talking about?

[Nudar rips off the bottom of Fry's pants, revealing a tattoo of Bender smoking a cigar]
[Scene: The Professor's lab. Farnsworth wheels a giant microscope like thing over to where fry is laying face down, with his pants off]

Nudar [holding a laser to Farnsworth's head]: Faster, faster!

Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can.

[Farnsworth hits a button and the Bender tatoo appears on a screen]

Bender: What do you say, folks? Hot or not?

[Farnsworth presses a button the it magnifies to 10x. A binary code appears on the screen in Bender's eye]

Nudar: You, boogerbot, read the code or I'll shoot this guy.

Bender: Who the hell is he?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

Bender: Hang on, Scruffy! Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, zero, one, one, one, one, zero, one, zero, zero, zero, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, one.

[Pull back to: The god-like entity from the "Godfellas" episode]

"God": Huh?

[A green sphere appears and flies out of him towards earth. The sphere appears in front of Bender]

Fleb: A time sphere.

Nudar: Naked brothers, we have sprunjed upon the universal machine language time code. The key to time travel!

Leela: What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?

Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.

Schlump: Beyond this shimmering portal lie all the glories of history.

Nudar: And we can steal them! We just go to the past and take stuff with our superior weapons!

[The scammers and Bender laugh evilly.]
[Nibbler rides in on a guinea pig]

Nibbler: Stop, you fools!

[Nibber swallows the guinea pig whole]

Amy: What's going on?

Farnsworth: What is happening?

Leela: Nibbler, you... You can talk?

Nibbler: I can do more than talk. I can pontificate. You must not use the code of codes. With each and every use, you risk tearing the universe asunder.

Schlump: The poodle-monkey may be right. The legend warns that the code is powerful and dangerous.

Nudar: My God. We'd better use it only three or four times. Six, max.

Nibbler: But even a single use could shatter the universe!

Nudar: Got it. Two or three times.

Nibbler: I see I have no choice. Nibblonians, attack!

[A squad of "Kitten-Class attack ships come crashing through the window, and start shooting lasers at the nude aliens]

???: Hey! That tickles.

Nudar: And the pitch!

[Nudar grabs a chair and swings it like a blernsball bat, striking an attacking Nibblonian ship]

Nibblonian: Mayday, mayday!

Aliens: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Nibblonian: Scamper!

[A nibblonian ship flies over Zoidberg's head, taking the "crown" with it, then hits a wall and explodes]

Zoidberg: Aawww...

Nibbler: Alas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs. The universe is doomed. Doomed!

Fry: Can I pull up my pants now?

Nibbler: Dooooooomed!

TO BE CONTINUED...
[Closing Credits.]